By Kirk Deeter

With the fly fishing season kicking into high gear, many a budding newbie fishing guide is literally getting his (or her) feet wet in what might really be the world's second oldest profession. As such, I offer the following advice as a public service. (All of these foot- in-mouth, tip-quashing comments were indeed spoken by guides I know at one point or another. I'm withholding names to protect the stupid.)

10. "It's really nice that you and your mom like to fish together." (Hint, ensure that "Mom" isn't really client's wife of 35 years before saying that.)

9. "Wait... I have the fish in the shot, but I need to back up a few steps to get all of YOU in the picture."

8. "Darn... same tuna sandwiches as two days ago... wait a minute... these ARE the tuna sandwiches I left in my truck two days ago." (If you're going to say this, do so before the third bite.)

7. Guide: "You cast like Mozart." Client: "A Maestro!?!" Guide: "No, a dead guy."

6. "Wow... nice sunglasses... did you borrow them from Elton John?"

5. "Don't worry... everyone has trouble catching fish on their first day." (Hint #2, ensure client doesn't average 40 trips on the river a year, and isn't fishing with you on day 6 of a Rocky Mountain dream vacation.)

4. "Hold my beer while I net this fish for you."

3. "Got any more flies? I'm saving my last few hot patterns for a buddy I'm fishing with tomorrow." (Again... these are true comments... I actually heard a guide say this, and then later complain to me that he got stiffed on a tip.)

2. Client, after fish sinks strike indicator like it was flushed down a toilet: "Did a fish eat that fly?" Guide: "Yes, but he also pooped it out... you're that slow." (Actually, under certain circumstances, an aspiring guide should say this... the point is usually well taken.)

1. Client (a jerk) with 20-inch trout thrashing at the end of his line: "What should I do to land this fish now?" Guide: "Dunno... after fishing with you all day, I'm rooting for the trout." (I might actually be guilty of this particular infraction... it's a long, complicated story...)

You might note that I left one simple phrase off the list... "I don't know." Because the truly seasoned and self-confident guide is never afraid to tell the truth. And the real truth is, even the best guide doesn't have all the answers all the time. "I don't know, but I'll do my best to figure it out," or "I don't know, but we won't get beat for lack of effort" goes a heck of a lot further in my book than do B.S. bravado and cheap theories. The water never lies. Nor do the fish. No matter what, a guide shouldn't either.

Deeter

Comments (17)

from Koldkut wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

Man would I like to be a witness to the day in question for number 1.

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from mutt wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

number 7 is my fav

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from countitandone wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

My various guided experiences on rivers, in drift boats, with other anglers who I have never met before...the score, on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being the height of stupidity and undeveloped interpersonal skills...anglers 1, guides 5! And that's no "fish story!" I actually have a friend who's father is currently a guide up at Mammoth Lakes, CA. In an attempt to hire this person for a guided fishing trip, this guide asked my friend, his son, "what does he know 'cause I won't take an (expletive deleted) beginner..."

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from buckhunter wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

Thanks for the laugh Deeter.

I'll have to forward these to my son who aspires to be a fly fishing guide in the summer. If he finds a teaching job in Colorado.

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from Pacific Hunter wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

I spent 5 summers in AK guiding, I have a few more for the list.

Client: "there is no fish here" Guide: "B.S. I caught 20 out of this pool this morning before you arived"

Guide after coming across a tree fallen over the only channel deep enough for a jet boat "Duck, we should be fine"

As the worden pulls up, Did we get you a license at the lodge

It was a tough day but I could have caught fish

C:Why did you make me pop that fish off? it was hooked in the mouth? G:then why are their scales on the hook?

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from JOHN ANDERSON wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

Guide,scratching head...I dont get it you should of been here last week.

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from country road wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

Not exactly fly fishing comments but I'll never forget the skipper who anchored over the little reef and said, "O K folks, we're here---this is where they used to be." This was soon followed by, "Come on now folks, catch some fish. This is not a drill."

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from Bella wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

I have never fished with a guide and never intend to do so. I have had people pay ME to take em fishing.

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from rabbitpolice88 wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

hilarious, I have only ever been fishing with one guide on lake lanier. We go every year for stripers, he is a good family friend and has been guiding on the lake longer than anyone else in the area. You can bet we catch fish every time we go out.

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from scott powers wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

#1 should just net the trout. what an moron.

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from troutbum_colo wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

I witnessed Reason #1. Deeter was correct. That is all I'm going to say as guide to guide we keep those to ourselves.

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from Peter Fallon wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

Thanks for the script. I'll start working on memorizing my lines. Only a couple weeks until the season starts.

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from jerry1958 wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

those all a pretty funny but i like number 4 and 3 because it serves him right for saving flies

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from Beekeeper wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

I may resemble #9...

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from upacreek333 wrote 2 years 5 weeks ago

I love No. 2... that's just damn funny.

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from shermanator wrote 2 years 5 weeks ago

love them all

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from flytier1010 wrote 2 years 4 weeks ago

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

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from Koldkut wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

Man would I like to be a witness to the day in question for number 1.

+3 Good Comment? Yes | No | Report

from mutt wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

number 7 is my fav

+3 Good Comment? Yes | No | Report

from countitandone wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

My various guided experiences on rivers, in drift boats, with other anglers who I have never met before...the score, on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being the height of stupidity and undeveloped interpersonal skills...anglers 1, guides 5! And that's no "fish story!" I actually have a friend who's father is currently a guide up at Mammoth Lakes, CA. In an attempt to hire this person for a guided fishing trip, this guide asked my friend, his son, "what does he know 'cause I won't take an (expletive deleted) beginner..."

+3 Good Comment? Yes | No | Report

from Pacific Hunter wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

I spent 5 summers in AK guiding, I have a few more for the list.

Client: "there is no fish here" Guide: "B.S. I caught 20 out of this pool this morning before you arived"

Guide after coming across a tree fallen over the only channel deep enough for a jet boat "Duck, we should be fine"

As the worden pulls up, Did we get you a license at the lodge

It was a tough day but I could have caught fish

C:Why did you make me pop that fish off? it was hooked in the mouth? G:then why are their scales on the hook?

+3 Good Comment? Yes | No | Report

from buckhunter wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

Thanks for the laugh Deeter.

I'll have to forward these to my son who aspires to be a fly fishing guide in the summer. If he finds a teaching job in Colorado.

+2 Good Comment? Yes | No | Report

from JOHN ANDERSON wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

Guide,scratching head...I dont get it you should of been here last week.

+2 Good Comment? Yes | No | Report

from country road wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

Not exactly fly fishing comments but I'll never forget the skipper who anchored over the little reef and said, "O K folks, we're here---this is where they used to be." This was soon followed by, "Come on now folks, catch some fish. This is not a drill."

+1 Good Comment? Yes | No | Report

from rabbitpolice88 wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

hilarious, I have only ever been fishing with one guide on lake lanier. We go every year for stripers, he is a good family friend and has been guiding on the lake longer than anyone else in the area. You can bet we catch fish every time we go out.

+1 Good Comment? Yes | No | Report

from scott powers wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

#1 should just net the trout. what an moron.

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from troutbum_colo wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

I witnessed Reason #1. Deeter was correct. That is all I'm going to say as guide to guide we keep those to ourselves.

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from Bella wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

I have never fished with a guide and never intend to do so. I have had people pay ME to take em fishing.

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from Peter Fallon wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

Thanks for the script. I'll start working on memorizing my lines. Only a couple weeks until the season starts.

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from jerry1958 wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

those all a pretty funny but i like number 4 and 3 because it serves him right for saving flies

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from Beekeeper wrote 2 years 6 weeks ago

I may resemble #9...

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from upacreek333 wrote 2 years 5 weeks ago

I love No. 2... that's just damn funny.

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from shermanator wrote 2 years 5 weeks ago

love them all

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from flytier1010 wrote 2 years 4 weeks ago

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

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