December 30, 2013
Look Back in Nausea: Goodbye to 2013
By David E. Petzal
As 2013 lurches like a spavined horse into the gloom of history, it’s time to look back on the year, hopefully without hurling, and see what it has brought us.
The good news is that the nation did not get a new, moronic, national gun control bill to keep our extant moronic gun control laws company. The bad news is that Connecticut, Colorado, and New York State did, and that Colorado learned in short order that when you have a ready supply of homicidal young men it doesn’t matter how many gun laws you pass. Colorado has also learned that if you are a legislator and you vote for gun control in an essentially pro-gun state you should have some other career options handy.
One of the things we learned in 2013 was just how disturbed Adam Lanza—the Newtown shooter—actually was. He was a loner who was obsessed with the Columbine shooting, who studied mass murders, lived in a room with garbage bags taped over the windows, and refused to communicate with his mom except by e-mail, even though they shared the same house.
However, there may be hope. After the Senate made President Obama really, really disappointed by not passing a gun bill after Newtown, whispers began to be heard about a radical new approach to gun violence—deal with the mentally ill people who misuse guns. This seems a simple and rational idea, but like the rest of our crazy quilt of laws and regulations, it’s fraught with problems.
At what point is a person disturbed/dangerous enough to have their firearms confiscated?
If someone is involuntarily committed and recovers, do they get their guns back?
If so, when?
Since the majority of mentally ill people are not dangerous, do we stigmatize them by confiscating the firearms of their homicidal counterparts?
And so on.
Then there’s the question of money. We have sufficient dollars to keep the NSA spying on us, but we lack the funds to help the mentally disturbed. However, I have a solution:
The Obama family costs American taxpayers $1.4 billion a year, which is 20 times what the Royal Family costs British taxpayers. Perhaps some of that money could be diverted from Hawaiian vacations and the like into help for these tormented souls. It would do a lot more good than a new Federal gun law. However, the Prez loves his perks, so there’s as much chance of this happening as Senator Dianne Feinstein saying, “Yes, I hate guns, but I got a carry permit anyway because I’m important.”
The other radical idea is to deprive the school shooters and the theatre blasters of what they crave most—notoriety, even in death. Why would they want to go out in a blaze of what they consider to be glory if their names are not mentioned and their faces are not shown? The news media being what they are, however, there’s as much chance of this happening as of Sen. Chuck Schumer winning a three-gun championship.
And now it’s time for some year-end awards.
The “All citizens are equal in the eyes of the law, but some are more equal than others” award goes to David Gregory of NBC-TV News for beating a misdemeanor rap despite fondling a highly illegal 30-round magazine in the network’s Washington, D.C., studio.
The “Edward R. Murrow courage of their convictions” award to the executives of the A&E Channel for reinstating Phil Robertson 10 days after they suspended him for being politically incorrect. What they discovered was that the viewers of the program were a) also politically incorrect and b) very, very angry about losing Phil. Say “ratings drop.” Say “About face!”
The “Stupid may not be a crime, but if it were, you’d be doing more time than Whitey Bulger” award goes to George Zimmerman, who was arrested yet again on gun-related charges.
The “Just because I have no idea what I’m talking about doesn’t mean my vote counts less than everyone else’s” award to Rep. Diane DeGette (D-CO), who declared that as people shot up their high-capacity magazines they (the magazines) would vanish and the problem would go away.
The “Have a nice flight” award to the Travel Section of The Sunday New York Times which advised its readers to declare at check-in that they had a handgun in their luggage even if they didn’t. This would, the article stated, help ensure that ramp apes would be less likely to bash or lose their bags.
To New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, a special commemorative 2-gallon bottle of Coke and a copy of the Rolling Stones’ 1969 hit, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”
Happy New Year and, as Tiny Tim said, “God help us. God help us every one.”