The Firing Line

Different types of people encountered at the shooting range......

I shamelessly admit to having borrowed this from someone who admits to having stolen this from a poster on another site, who admitted stealing it from another board, and tried to Americanize it a bit, as it was originally from England, I think......If I knew the author I would give due credit.

At every range, shooters from the following list of types can be found. The more you think about it, the more you will realize you have seen these people. The question is, which one are you?

1. Grandpa and Cody
Typically an older white guy and his sniveling grandchild (or similar junior relation). Grandpa is trying to teach Cody (or Jody, or Brody, or whatever crap name the kid has) how to shoot with a 1950’s era J C Higgins or Stevens single shot .22 rifle at an empty tin can lying 10yds. away on the ground. Cody’s soccer mom and sensitive new-age dad aren’t too keen on this idea, but the old man overruled them. Claimed they were coddling the little brat (true) and this will be a valuable experience (doubtful). Grandpa smells a little of Jack Daniels and seems a little unsteady on his feet, and insists on holding forth about his views on how (a) kids today are all idiots, (b) how much better things were in the old days, (c) the evils of Communism, or (d) the proper place of a woman. He occasionally interrupts his diatribe to yell such helpful advice as “Squeeze the trigger, Dammit! Like I showed you!” without ever having bothered to explain to Cody how iron sights work. Will grudgingly dole out one round at a time from his pocket, with instructions not to waste it. In the 30’s (or whenever the ancient ******* grew up) people only made 23¢ a year and couldn’t afford to miss a shot, or they’d catch The Polio. Cody, for his part, couldn’t hit the ground with a handful of thrown rice, and is close to tears, and wishes he were at home with his XBox and Grandma.

2. The Range Nazi
Annoying, but basically harmless, the sole reason for existence of the Range Nazi is sucking all the fun out of shooting. Will arrive at the range with a single antiquated rifle in a caliber nobody shoots anymore, such as .32-20. Will set up a number of bullseye (never human or animal) targets at the 100yd line, but does not shoot at them. Instead the Range Nazi will walk up and down the line, questioning others about the legality of their firearms, tut-tutting over the use of human silhouette targets, appointing himself boss of range safety rule enforcement , and making note of anybody being even the slightest bit unsafe(!). He will then be sure to bring up the unsafe people he witnessed being unsafe in an unsafely unsafe manner (did we mention they were unsafe?) at the next range membership meeting. Hopes to get everybody he disapproves of (which is everybody) kicked out of the range. Only then will it be safe, and only then will nobody behave in a manner certain to reflect discredit upon the range and shooting in general. Cringes every time a firearm is referred to as a weapon, as if somehow an anti-gun lobbyist will hear it and yell “Ah ha! Ban them! Ban them all!”. Has the phone number of every member of the ranges board of directors on his speed dial. Despite his intrusive ways, the Range Nazi will generally get the hell out of here when told to do so.

3. The Coffee Drinker.
Arrives 5 minutes after the range opens, and won’t leave until it closes. Takes five trips to unload all his gear from his Buick Riviera (or similar old-fart-mobile), yet only brought two guns. Shooting routine consists of the following: Painstakingly selects a single round of ammo. Unloads it and puts it back in box. Adjusts scope. Has a drink of coffee from thermos cup. Selects a different round of ammo. Loads into rifle. Sights in on target. Consults shooting log. Takes round out. Has drink of coffee. Falls asleep. Wakes up. Adjusts sight again. And so on and so on… May or may not actually fire within the hour. Rarely makes it through more than ten rounds before the range closes for the day. Becomes annoyed when other shooters (a) disturb his concentration (or napping) with the sound of their firing, (b) request cease-fires to change targets that are shot out (a concept foreign to him), or (c) check him for a pulse occasionally. Has been a member of the range since longbows were considered assault weapons, and is still working on the same box of ammo. When not at the range, can be found at the local gun store with the other old farts engaging the counter staff and anyone else in hours of meandering conversation about nothing in particular.

4. Jessie and Jamie.
These are the two, for lack of a better term, rednecks. Will show up driving a full size diesel pickup that cost more than their doublewide trailer. Due to gender-ambiguous names, it is certain you will confuse who is who, and use the wrong name in conversation. Jesse (or Jamie, it depends) is down about the plant laying him off again. He’s pretty sure foreigners of some sort are responsible, and is waiting for his unemployment to kick in. Until then they subsist on Jamie’s (or Jesse’s) earnings as a hairdresser/ topless dancer. Listen to both kinds of music, country and western. Truck will have at least one handkerchief-wearing dog preferably a pit bull in the back named “Buddy”. Eager to compare (a) hunting knives, (b) belt buckle sizes, (c) brands of chewing tobacco, (d) line dancing steps or (e) recipes that start with “take a side of beef…”. Shoot matching his and hers lever action rifles, and believe that any caliber less than a .30-30 is unmanly, while anything bigger is wasteful. Guns will be stored in vinyl soft gun cases from Target (if they’re over 40) or Walmart (if they’re young ‘uns). Optics, if any, will be no more than a 4x Chinese made scope and will look as if they were used to hammer in nails at some point. Like to talk about how good it will be once Deer season starts and they have the opportunity to fill up both their spare freezers. Dress almost exclusively in hunting/ nascar/gimme t-shirts and jeans with a feed store ball cap,and work boots but each has a set of “formal” cowboy boots at home for special occasions.like funerals and goin' dancin' .Instinctively distrust the government, and wonder whatever the hell happened to Preston Manning.

5. The Paramilitary Poser
Difficult to actually see at the range due to the camouflage and SWAT gear he is wearing. Generally at least 60 lbs.overweight, the Paramilitary Poser is the ultimate expression of the suburban commando. Eager to discuss the best type of ammunition to use against marauding feminist ninja bank robbers or armor-plated bears. Loves to drop cryptic references to his past life as an Airborne Special Forces Delta-SEAL, which he can’t go into detail about “for security reasons”. Note: this person has never been in the military or the police. He’s most likely a mailman or a mall security guard; any job where he gets a uniform, but which doesn’t require too much hard work, intelligence or talent. Claims to be a master of some obscure martial art nobody has ever heard of, like “Krav Jitsu Fu. I Could kill you just by staring at you really hard. Weapons of the Poser will generally have all sorts of “tactical” accessories added to them, effectively tripling their price and mass without doing anything to improve his shooting. Has strong opinions on the .338 Lapua vs. .408 Chey-Tac debate, despite never having fired either. Will own at least one SKS made up to look like a Dragunov, and a “tactical-sniper rifle” that turns out to be a Revelation R220b painted green, on a $15.99 bipod and the biggest Chinese made scope one can get (for under $100) mounted on it. Shooting bag will contain (a) several back issues of Soldier of Fortune, magazine (b) a really big knife with teeth up the back, (c) 10 rounds of military surplus 5.56mm FMJ that he bought at a gun show, (d) a 1970’s vintage Soviet night vision scope with a dead battery that won’t mount on anything he owns.and(e)several expired MREs

6. The Man in Tac-Black
A rare sight at civilian ranges, but easy to spot once he’s there. Generally arrives in a 4×4 straight out of Mad Max, or a Crown Victoria with poorly-concealed lights in the grille. May or may not have a mustache reminiscent of a gay porn star, but will have a very short haircut. Weapons are generally black, scary looking, and numerous. Can easily fill a rack with what he brought just to do some informal plinking with. The envy of the Paramilitary Poser and the sworn nemesis of the IPSC wiener. Insists on lying in the dirt in the prone position instead of using the shooting bench like a reasonable human being. Gets confused when not everybody is shooting the same type of weapon and series as he is. May even begin what he calls a “run down” without warning, so be wary. Shooting bag will contain (a) the Dropzone PSP catalogue, (b) a bayonet for at least one of his rifles, (c) hundreds of rounds of 5.56mm FMJ he stole from work, and (d) a number of 30 round magazines that have been clipped to other 30 rounders. Takes pride in hitting targets that others can barely see, but becomes bored easily and will often try to use a shotgun or even a pistol for targets at long range. Quick to recognize others of his own kind and engage in the arcane ritual of “who-do-you-know-and-where-have-you-been”. Also has strong opinions on the .338 Lapua vs. .408 Chey-Tac debate, having fired both. Doesn’t flinch when firing, or when those around him fire. May, in fact, be stone deaf.

7. The Punk-*** Amateur
A common sight at most ranges, a danger to himself and everyone around him, but blissfully unaware of the fact. Arrives at the range in a small import car, which bottoms out two or three times on the rough access road. Weapons will be made by Norinco or Hi-Point, as they cost less than anything else and he really doesn’t know any better. Barrel may still be full of the original packing grease, as “weapons maintenance” is a foreign concept to him. Targets will consist of pieces of the cardboard box the weapon came in with hand-drawn circles on them. Fires off 40 rounds of ammo bought at local store (for full price) as quickly as possible. Fond of such effective shooting positions as the “from the hip”, the “close my eyes and flinch every time I fire” and the ever-popular “try to hold the rifle one-handed like a pistol”. Won’t hit a thing and doesn’t care; he’s there to bust caps and socialize. Once out of ammo, will roam about the range examining other shooters’ weapons and looking hopeful in the off chance they let him try one. Often accompanied by Idiot Girlfriend.

8. The Idiot Girlfriend.
Usually found in the company of the Punk-*** Amateur. Typically between the ages of 18 and 26, the Idiot Girlfriend doesn’t like the range, but wants to ensure her boyfriend isn’t involved in any activity that doesn’t include her. Arrives woefully unprepared for the range, with no water, unsuitable clothing( halter or tube top hot pants or daisy dukes), and no hearing protection. Will, however, have flawless makeup. and orange 2" nails After a period not exceeding 20 minutes, will immediately begin complaining about (a) how hot it is, (b) how cold it is, (c) the lack of restrooms, (d) the condition of any restrooms there happen to be, or(e) the noise. If she isn’t the center of attention when she first arrives, she will make it her business to be. A drama queen at heart, she will resort to pouting, whining, stamping her little feet and locking herself in the car if she believes her boyfriend is more interested in shooting than in her plight or discomfort. Rarely seen actually firing a gun , but will try it if the gun seems cute or non-threatening enough. Likes .22’s due to the low recoil and quiet report. Not a fan of the .338 Winchester magnum, for obvious reasons. In the off chance she fires something with even the slightest bit of recoil, she will immediately begin a display of overacted injury normally reserved for court appearances for her recent car accident claim.

9. The Homie
Formerly considered a sub-variant of the Punk-*** Amateur, the Homie has been sighted in sufficient numbers to grant him his own category. His arrival will be heralded by the booming bass coming from a stereo more powerful than the car he put it in. Drives a blinged-out import car or a lowered SUV, anything that would look at home in “The Fast and the Furious”. Like the Punk-*** Amateur, will bottom out two or three times on the road leading to the range. Weapons will generally match his vehicle for sheer tackiness and lack of practicality. If he has the money he will own a Desert Eagle, in .50 caliber, with a gold chrome finish. Will definitely have a Glock 9mm, as it is what all his heroes on MTV carry. Actually thinks shooting with the weapon canted 90 degrees to the left is effective; cannot understand why the ejected brass keeps hitting him in the face. Dress of the Homie is distinctive and usually follows a theme of a toboggan cap (in black only)or dew rag ( red or blue only), FUBU threadz or a ludicrously oversized track suit, lots of chunky 8-karat gold chains, designer sunglasses that cost more than his guns, and a particularly offensive cologne he must have had applied by a cropduster. Likes to speak in ebonics and flash gang signs. Parents are tax attorneys and live in a gated community. Would likely wet himself if ever confronted by real gangsters.

10. The Cowboy shooter/ Buckskinner/Civil War Nut
A strange breed, these type likes to travel in packs. Dressed in a costumes made up of at least four kinds of animal skin (all hand sewn) and wearing a hat with a tail hanging from it, or something from the wardrobe dept. from the movie "Lonesome Dove", the civil war guys will have on basic blue or gray., This type loves to pretend he lives in the time of the frontier. This applies to his firearms, personal gear, and hygiene when in character, unfortunately. Prefers to be called by some self-applied moniker like “Mountain Mike” “Raccoon-eating Dave”or "One Eyed Ralph" instead of his real name. Owns a $6000 handcrafted Italian reproduction blackpowder musket and a custom belt knife that cost more than a good used car. Spent three years and thousands of dollars researching his outfit for authenticity; still looks like a hobo. Has never slept outside a night in his life, and takes 4 different medications for allergies. They love to use period slang, often saying things like “varmint” or “dadgummit”, believing this makes him more authentic. May occasionally become confused and throw in a “Get thee hence” or “Zounds!” from the renaissance fair for good measure. Has nothing but disdain for newfangled weapons, “newfangled” indicating anything capable of firing more than one aimed shot in a minute. Sometimes accompanied by the Idiot Girlfriend. Arrived at the range in a BMW 740i with onboard GPS navigation and a car fax.

11. The Guest
The Guest, as the title implies, is not actually a member of the range, and does not own any guns. They’re just somebody who got invited to come along by one of the other archetypes. Guests will generally just stand quietly and not touch anything until invited to do so, but some are prone to know-it-all-ism, and have the bad habit of thinking they actually have some sort of skills with firearms based on their extensive combined video game experience and collection of action movies. The quiet guest will gamely try anything he is handed, so the temptation to hand him the hardest kicking rifle you own and then tell him to put his eye “right up on the scope” must be avoided. Initially leery of firearms, the guest will usually quickly overcome their fears, make the obligatory “it doesn’t sound like that on TV” comments, and settle into some good supervised fun. The obnoxious guest will immediately make his way to the rifle rack, select the most visually impressive weapon, assure onlookers that he requires no help, and then spend 10 minutes trying to figure out how to chamber a round. Quiet guests can become a regular fixture and eventually become members/shooters themselves. Obnoxious ones are hopefully seldom invited back.

12. The IPSC Wiener
Loves to congregate with others of his own kind and take over entire ranges for days at a time so he can play gunfighter. Will construct entire towns out of plywood and cardboard in order to shoot for one afternoon. Owns a custom racegun worth more than the car he arrived in. Likes to dress in obnoxiously colored clothes with firearms manufacturers’ logos prominently displayed on them in hopes others will think he’s sponsored. He isn’t. The mortal enemy of the Man in Tac-Black, due to an ancient dispute over the definition of practical shooting. Engages in “realistic” combat shooting scenarios such as being seated on a toilet while wearing a holstered handgun, and suddenly having to dispatch two armed terrorists who broke into his bathroom. Will collect your ejected brass before it has a chance to bounce, whether he shoots that caliber or not. Likes to work into conversation the number of dubious shooting academies he’s attended, and name drop any quasi-celebrity IPSC shooters he knows in order to impress others. Doesn’t work. Hates being confronted by questions like “just how practical is a pistol that falls out of the holster, fires if you even look at it dirty, and requires 60 hours of maintenance a week?” or “what kind of lunatic would immediately holster his pistol and yell ‘clear’ at a stopwatch-wielding bystander in a real gunfight?”, or the dreaded “wouldn’t a shotgun be more effective?”.

13. The Hippie.( thought to be a vanishing type though there are still thriving colonies in Kalifornia and some other states)
a rarity at most ranges, the Hippie is usually an acquaintance of a shooter who has been brought to the range after shooting their mouth off about guns one too many times. Could be considered an offshoot of the Guest, but is different in that they have no interest in shooting for shooting’s sake; they’re looking for further evidence to support their patchouli-soaked and generally worthless opinions. Ironically, will arrive clad in more army surplus than the Paramilitary Poser. Hippies will claim this is done to make an ironic social commentary, but the truth is that camouflage is less likely to show stains, and they can’t afford real clothes. Will comment about the “negative energy” coming off the guns, but rest assured, your firearms are not generating an ionic discharge. They are referring to the “aura” that a non-organic, inanimate object inexplicably possesses. More likely witnessing an acid flashback, or possibly hallucinating out of hunger due to all-tofu diet. Will try firing, only after wondering aloud why anyone needs guns, and inquiring as to how many children you’ve shot at. Do not let the Hippie fire from anything but a supported position, as they will certainly scream and drop your weapon sights-down onto the concrete. This is an excellent way to convert a precision rifle scope into a hollow black tube. After firing a minimum of rounds, and picking up an “scope eyebrow” along the way, the Hippie will leave, never to return. They will, however, now feel free to consider themselves an expert on firearms.