Campfire

Don't get squeamish! Serious hunters only!

Here's a synopsis of my latest hunt. Just thought I'd share.

The Gopher Hunt

Well the mighty hunter has returned. I swear you should have been there with me. How exciting! I spotted my quarry frolicking in the afternoon sun like he hadn't a care in the world. I quietly crept up closer on my 4 wheeler so as not having to actually walk any further then I had to. It was nip and tuck for a while there as I think he became suspicious. I skidded to a halt and stayed perfectly still in a cloud of dust. If you are going to shoot gophers, don't forget to bring along a cloud of dust. I am pretty sure he thought I was just an innocent dust devil. Well I was plenty dusty that's for sure.

There I was just mere yards from the huge and hideous creature. Carefully I pulled my trusty .22 rifle from the rack. By now the wily beast was looking right at me. He tried giving me the "eye". Little did he know I learned how to avoid that when I was kid and my mother used that one on me. If I hadn't learned how to turn my head at just the right instant I might still be under her power. I got off my 4 wheeler like I hadn't even noticed him, chatting to myself about the weather and other inane subjects to throw off my true intentions.

I casually dropped the bi-pod on the front of my .22 letting it rest on the luggage box on the back of the 4 wheeler. I then nonchalantly adjusted the 3 to 9 variable scope to 8 power. Using the 9 power just seemed a little sissy and for guys that have no shooting prowess. Looking through the scope I settled the cross hairs right over the spot just between his eyes. At once you could finally see recognition in his eyes. That and the fact that he stood up on his hind legs, stuck his tongue out at me, turned and ran like a gazelle back towards his burrow.

Well, I can tell you right now that I don't take that kind of abuse from anybody, so I opened fire. It was incredible! He was jinxing and zagging all over the place! You would think he had survived a mine field in Vietnam the way he artfully dodged my bullets. If I had a video of his crazy moves I could probably sell it to the Army for training purposes. I'm sure that you know by now that once I set my mind on my quarry I hang on like a snapping turtle. I could already envision that little sucker stuffed and mounted on my wall. All I can say is I'm glad I spent the extra bucks for the 50 round clip just for such an occasion as this.

Once I saw the bugger turn his head and look at me. I expected to see fear in his eyes but no. What I saw was .....was.....that son of a gun actually stuck his tongue out and BRRIIITTTZZZZed me. That was the final straw. It was either him or me now. I doubled my efforts and at last satisfaction! I winged him or at least that is how it looked. The hair on his back was all awry, poking up wildly where the bullet grazed him. That little monster stopped in his tracks, glared at me, spit on his paw and used it to smooth down the hair on his back, then resumed scurrying away. I was taken aback with his "I'm not afraid of you" attitude and almost let the little rascal go. But, no, I started this thing and I was determined to finish it.

It wasn't until my clip ran out that I thought the evil little devil might just get away. i was in the process of slamming home a new clip and jacking a shell into the chamber when I realized he was purposefully antagonizing me. He was standing on his hind legs and doing the Michael Jackson Moon Walk! Not only that, he had a bunch of his cohorts lined up on the burrow cheering him on! What a show off. Handsprings. Flips. Was there any end to this humiliation? I was out of control with rage. Screw the scope! I started shooting from the hip Rambo style. Bullets were flying everywhere.

I saw him heading for his burrow so I set up a barrage of gunfire between him and the hole. Using a couple handspring maneuvers I've never seen before he changed direction and sprinted through weeds and across the rocks back towards the road. I got wise to his plan right off. He wanted to get to the other side of the road in the safety of the sagebrush. I was just turning to throw a rain of bullets in that direction when I heard that sound that gives hunters nightmares. That's right. "Click," damn, I was out of ammo again. I guess it was about that time I noticed a jeep driving up the road. It was also the time that slippery critter was heading into the road. He had his head turned my way and I swear you could read his lips as he said "So long sucker!" And then it was over. I went over to the road as the jeep continued on its way and picked up the cute little guy, now squashed flat as a pancake. I looked down at it and said, "I always get my game!"