by David E. Petzal

As 2011 lurches into history like a smelly old wino, I take MAC in hand to review some of the lows of the year.

You Can’t Get it Right All the Time: In the 1960s the Department of Defense decided that all future combat was going to take place at 300 meters or less and, now that the distance has increased again to 500 meters and over, is scrambling to come up with guns and ammunition that can hack it at long range. We, of course, are paying for all this.

What’s next? Tac Nukes? Some weeks ago, Mayor for Life Bloomberg referred to the New York City Police as “my private army.” People assumed he was joking. I don’t. NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly has coyly announced that the NYPD has the technology to shoot down airplanes, presumably to avoid a repeat of 9/11. Commissioner Kelly did not say what kind of armament was involved. It could be missiles, or it could be 30mm cannon on Mayor Bloomberg’s private jet. The NYPD averages one hit per 72 rounds expended with its handguns, so the mind reels at the havoc it can wreak with this kind of firepower.

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by David E. Petzal

Like many of you, I’m addicted to both the History Channel and the Military Channel. Were it not for them I would have to learn canasta or take up calligraphy while I wait for the end to come. The Military Channel still runs some good stuff, but I’m seeing it drift farther and farther from bullets and bayonets and more toward show biz.

The first example of this is a program called “An Officer and Movie,” in which a war film is played and the host, the actor Lou Diamond Phillips, quizzes a combat veteran about what the movie purports to show. The concept is a good one, but the films are some of the lamest military flicks ever made (Heartbreak Ridge? Spare me.) Mr. Phillips is no military authority, the officers are given no time to say anything important, and the questions are innocuous. Aside from that it’s fine.

If the Military Channel would like to do something meaningful, how about having Colonel Jack Jacobs host the program? Colonel Jacobs (USA, Ret) won the Medal of Honor in Vietnam and does military analysis for MSNBC. How about running movies like Attack, a film that stars Jack Palance and came out in 1956. It deals with cowardice under fire, and has some distinctly unpleasant things to say. Or Decision Before Dawn (1951) which was the first postwar American film to show Germans in a sympathetic light, and is about loyalty to a cause, and what it can do to you. Neither film makes for easy watching, and I’d love to see one or both on “An Officer…” but I won’t hold my breath.

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by David E. Petzal

- A while back, I advised that if one sees a venomous serpent crawling along, the proper response is to open fire. This was wrong. A crawling serpent presents hardly any target at all. If it’s a pit viper, such as a rattlesnake, the proper response is to fire a shot just ahead of its nose, which will cause it to coil. Then you have something to shoot at. Aim at the base of the reptile. I recommend high-velocity quick-expanding bullets. If the serpent is a cobra, a mamba, a krait, etc., which does not need to coil, drive to the nearest airport and leave.

- I figured out what happens to the people who flunk out of industrial design schools—the go on to profitable careers designing boxes for .22 ammo. A few weeks ago I got sick of boxes that crack, shatter, delaminate, rip, and otherwise implode and got three Rubbermaid food containers at a hardware store.
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by David E. Petzal

What with all the excitement over Hurricane Irene, you may have missed the following press release from Martha’s Vineyard on 8/23:

“The President, in a gesture of support for the brave freedom fighters of Libya, has ordered the director of the Lake City Arsenal to alter some of our existing stocks of 7.62mm, 5.54mm, and 12.7mm Soviet ammunition for firing in the air as a means of celebration. The United States not only recognizes the right of different cultures to express themselves in ways different from ours, but believes they should be able to do it safely, without the risk of injury from falling projectiles.

“The Lake City Arsenal will remove the bullets from this ammunition, replace the powder with a propellant designed for pyrotechnics, and replace the original projectiles with new ones made from light, biodegradable plastic that cannot cause injury and is not based on animal fats. This will result in increased flash and report, while at the same time eliminating the risks inherent in firing conventional ammunition into the air.
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by David E. Petzal

Imagine a newspaper story on automobiles in which the writer confused camshafts and driveshafts. Or a piece on investing in which the words “stock” and “bond” were used interchangeably. Or one that referred to Marines as soldiers (which will get you a punch in the mouth from any self-respecting Jarhead). Not likely, you think. No reporter is that ignorant or that careless. Wrong. They are when they turn their attention to guns. Cartridge and bullet are used interchangeably, clip and magazine mean the same thing; submachine gun and machine gun are synonyms. And it gets worse.

When the M-16 was first issued during the Vietnam War, Americans were informed that it was deadly because its bullets tumbled through the air, creating terrible wounds when they hit. Anyone who has ever thrown a football knows what a crock this is. Apparently, news reporters do not throw footballs.

In a recent article in The New York Times, a reporter quoted a police officer as stating that a Smith & Wesson revolver went off when it was dropped. The handgun was made in the 1970s, so there is a problem: No Smith wheelgun of post-World-War-II manufacture can go off unless the trigger is pulled. Even if the revolver was cocked, it’s highly unlikely that it could fire. It sounds like the police officer told a Great Big Fib, but the reporter did not know enough about the subject (or, probably, anything about the subject) to call him on it.
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by David E. Petzal

Florida’s Governor Rick Scott signed a law last week forbidding pediatricians to ask kids if their parents have guns in the home. The impetus for the law came when a Florida pediatrician allegedly refused to treat a kid when he learned that said urchin’s family were gun owners. (This was probably illegal as hell, but no one is talking about prosecuting the doctor.)

Florida’s legislators have already been called toadies of the NRA and dealt all the usual insults, but I can see their point. Let us say that Dr. Rubella questions little Timmy and learns that his daddy has a handgun.
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