By David E. Petzal and Philip Bourjaily

You, fellow bloggers, can help us here. We’re trying to decide whether to include rants on gun legislation in this space, but we’re of two minds:

One mind says, “They don’t want to hear about it. It’s the same stuff over and over, and it’s depressing. They’ll get it elsewhere, so don’t bother.”

The other mind says: “What kind of Americans are we? Our duty is to get the word out, whether  people are amused by it or not. If we lose our guns, we lose our phony baloney jobs, and will end up as editors at McCalls or The New Yorker.

So now it’s your turn, fellow bloggers.  What do we do? [ Read Full Post ]

By David E. Petzal and Philip Bourjaily

Now that we’ve got the poor old T-rex shot to pieces, here’s another hypothetical-choice rant. Pay attention, because things are going to happen fast.

Sept. 11, 2006:  On the advice of the CIA, President Bush orders the invasion of Iran. However, the only troops available are 31 court stenographers from the Judge Advocate General’s Corps in Washington, D.C.

Sept. 12:  Citing “increased security concerns,” Vice President Cheney begins carrying a handgun.

Sept. 17:  While practicing his fast draw, the Vice President accidentally shoots a member of his Secret Service detail. The remaining agents instinctively return fire, giving the Veep his Sixth and Final Deferment.

Sept. 20: With no one to tell him what to do, President Bush returns to his ranch at Crawford, Texas, where his only audible words are " ... heckuva job”

Sept. 25:  Citing “ ... catastrophic lack of leadership,” Senator Hillary Clinton appoints herself President Of the United States for Life. Her first official act is to disband both Congress and the Supreme Court. Her second is to order the execution by firing squad of William Jefferson Clinton.

[ Read Full Post ]

By David E. Petzal and Philip Bourjaily

Gun cleaning is like scooping the kitty litter box; it’s not uplifting or exciting, but you'd better do it (them kittycats believe in payback).

The key ingredient in all gun cleaning is the rod. Boy, have I seen some lousy rods out there. The worst ones let all the abrasive stuff that accumulates in your bore embed itself, which turns the rod into a file, and then they bend, which guarantees they’ll scrape against the rifling. Years ago, I saw a .22 with a chamber that was actually worn egg-shaped by misuse of a cleaning rod.

If you’re looking for a good rod, the best I’ve seen are made by Neil A. Jones in Saegertown, Pennsylvania. They’re spring steel; they will not bend, they will not let stuff embed, and they come in three diameters. You can flex one almost double and it will snap back straight, probably taking your eye with it. The one thing these rods will do is rust, so you are advised to keep them someplace dry when not in use. www.neiljones.com.  Lots of neat stuff on that website. [ Read Full Post ]

By David E. Petzal and Philip Bourjaily

Robert B. Parker is an absolutely terrific mystery writer (hell, he’s an absolutely terrific writer, period) whose long-running Spenser series has no greater fan than I. However, like most all the detective writers I’ve read, Mr. Parker’s knowledge of guns is, to put it kindly, limited.

In a recent book, Cold Service, one of the principal characters is ambushed. I quote:
“Somebody…shoots me three times with a big rifle. Good shooter, grouped all three shots between my shoulder blades. Missed the spine, missed the heart, plowed up pretty much of the rest.”

And this character not only survives, but after some time in rehab, is back as good as new.

Now we’ve all seen what rifle bullets do, and I don’t have to tell you what a load this is. The movies and video games do it too—reduce gunshots to the status of stubbed toes. This in turn makes gun violence glamorous, since the messy consequences are ignored.

So I suggest to Senators Hillary, Chuckie, Barbara, and Diane that they propose a bill that would require all creative enterprises to realistically depict gunshot wounds--what they really look like, what they do, and their consequences.

As a ridge-running redneck who liked to shoot revenue... [ Read Full Post ]

By David E. Petzal and Philip Bourjaily

Since the late 1940s, I’ve paid periodic visits to the T-Rex skeleton in the American Museum of Natural History. T-Rex and his kin departed the earth abruptly 65 million years ago, and nothing as fearsome has been seen on the planet until October 26, 1947, when Hillary Rodham came snarling into the world.

We know comparatively little about them, but the best guess is that a big T-Rex was 40 to 50 feet long and weighed about 6 tons, the same as a good-sized African bull elephant. About their innards, and how they functioned, we know very little.

Anyway, as I stood there contemplating the last earthly remains of this critter, I wondered: If you had the chance to hunt one, where would you shoot it, and with what?

I invite your opinions.

By the way, a few years ago there was a television show on the chances of re-creating a T-Rex for real, a la Jurassic Park. No one said it couldn’t be done, just that it would take time, cost a fortune, and what the hell would you do with... [ Read Full Post ]

By David E. Petzal and Philip Bourjaily

Okay, let me rant about these and then we’ll get back to guns. Here are two books that no Old West fan should miss. Oddly enough, both are fiction.

First is a book called The Court-Martial of George Armstrong Custer, by Douglas C. Jones, written in 1975. Jones, who was a retired Army lieutenant colonel when he wrote his, had a great premise: Custer is the sole survivor of the Little Bighorn, and is brought back to Governor’s Island, in New York City, for trial. The Army, it seems, it very cross with him for getting a third of his command killed.

Jones is a hell of a fine writer, a meticulous researcher, and had a deep understanding of the way the Army works. Once you get into his book you’ll be unable to put it down, and you’ll have to remind yourself periodically that you’re reading fiction, not history. It’s that good.

Second is The Shootist, written in 1976 by Glendon Swarthout. (Yes, the very same Glendon Swarthout who wrote the anti-hunting book, Bless the Beasts and the Children. ) The book was made into a truly lousy movie of the same name, and it was John Wayne’s last film. He deserved... [ Read Full Post ]