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Kill Me Slowly: I'm a Guide

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October 31, 2007

Kill Me Slowly: I'm a Guide

By Tim Romano & Kirk Deeter

I'm done. I'm toast. At least for 2007. As a guide, you go out on river trips, and in May it's all smiles, but by Halloween it's dead-over. I've seen enough. They're killing me ...

The top five sins against the river guide that will ensure heart failure, a stroke, or cirrhosis of the liver by age 50 (in descending order):

5. Lay into the first hooked trout with the most bodacious bass-set anyone has ever seen, sure to bust off even 2X tippet in a heartbeat, even on a 7-incher.

4. Wait for me to turn my back, and then wade with determination straight into the heart of the run to ensure you are standing on fish.

3. Drag your flies to the point that they create a noticeable wake, even after the most patient and thoughtful explanations of the “dead drift,” mending line, and so forth.

2. False cast a minimum of seven times … and immediately rip your flies off the water when they land within 10 inches of any surface-feeding trout.

1. On at least four occasions, after watching the strike indicator sink like it has been flushed down a toilet, turn to me and ask, “Was that a fish?”

** Super Bonus Spanker Award goes to the person who, after punting 14 clear takes and, in doing so, questions my credibility, hands me the ugliest, most disgusting, home-tied fly I have ever seen in my life, calls it the “secret weapon,” and suggests we had better make a switch.

Guides ... clients ... anyone. Defend me. Share your nightmares. I'm on the ledge ... talk me off. Please.

Deeter

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from chuckie the bride dolls wrote 6 years 21 weeks ago

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from Alex wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

i once had a guy fall off the boat as he had hooked a big rainbow and got all exciteted

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from KD wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Terry Gunn ... Your book started my book, and sooner or later they will meld into the same. Funny how things evolve, isn't it? Man, it was good to see you in Denver. We're fishing in the spring.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Terry Gunn wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Kirk,Now you know why after 25 years I have cut back from guiding 300 days a year to modest 125 days. Every day on the crick is a new story and my book was getting way too thick!

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from Tad Howard wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Kirk,Had one this season that took the cake. Had a car sick 9 year old show up for the day. Promptly on shaking hands i noticed a funny look on his face just before he puked on my foot (I was wearing sandals). As if to add insult to injury the kids were almost determined to see how far they could wade out into the river before getting swept away. So we go fish the pond. Hard to get in trouble there?? No!! After catching a couple trout said 9 year old proceeds to do a canon ball off the dock, in his waders, into the middle on the pond. That made for an interesting rescue mission. Dad finally called it a day.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Anthony Bartkowski wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Taking the plunge - this was no nestle tea plunge of yesteryear. This summer I have a good ole chap from England. He latches into a nice 5-pounder. We are on the bank and he is just fighting it hard. Every now and then it would come closer and then run like hect. Finally the Brit pulls it in and I get it netted. I told him to stay put as we were on shifting rocks. Before I could stand up straight, I was bumped hard enough as the cheery chap wanted to look at the largest trout of his life. Little did he know, I was now off balance at 8:30 a.m. and going for a swim head first in full gear.Once getting my footing on the bottom and pulling myself to the bank with a netted fish, full waders, and waist pack, we snap a quick picture. I toss the guy from across the pond back to the bank to drain everything and re-dress as he latches into another.Cheers he says. Here is to your cheers you dry ... Fill in the blank.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Anthony Bartkowski wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

The Ffloggies - make it exist as a tab for everyone to enjoy a good belly laugh. Great thread the eye story.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from KD wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Give me more ... I'm feeling better already. The toenails are definitely right up there. But I love the thick line. Classic.I think we should honor our former name by instituting the "Fflogger Awards" - the "Ffloggies" for short -- to include categories like, best boat wreck, best hook impaling, strange but true client moments, and more.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Visitor wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Ben,That is perhaps the best guide story I have ever heard. I'm belly laughing by myself in my office. So good...

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from BenRomans wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Hey Kirk, good stuff. . . Its been a few years for me but it takes me back to those times when you just know from the moment you shake a client's hand that it is going to be a long day. . . Fisherman's intuition I suppose.One of my personal favorites was a client that instantly gave me the impression he didn't know his ass from his elbow. On the way to the water he said if he could learn how to get that "thick line" through the eye of his hooks, then the day would be a success. . . The entire head of his line was widdled away after dozens of failed attempts to reach the core--the only part of the line he thought would fit through a hook eye. . . I racked up quite a beer tab that night. . .

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from GillRaker wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

I once guided a consultant from the beltway and his emotionally challenged wife. The husband refused to get in the Frying Pan, because I hadn't disclosed the fact that river rocks were "slippery," then spent the rest of the day sulking and reading books in my truck. His wife, annoyed by the situation, decided to spend the remainder of the trip simultaneously false casting and insulting my chosen profession. At one point on the drive home, the woman even removed her shoes and began clipping toenails onto my floor mat. I dropped the couple off at the fly shop and refused compensation for the trip. They went to the manager, Tim Heng, and requested a refund. Everyone agreed to forget the day and go their separate ways. As we all wandered to our vehicles muttering profanities under our breath, Tim walked outside and declared, "That was a great trip!" No one turned around.

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from Anthony Bartkowski wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Now for the most famous move of all... Similar to your No. 4. You walk into a nice deep run and tell them to stand right here on the bank. They look at you like you have two heads and ask, "I don't have to stand in the water."I have always wanted to say, "Sure buddy, take a step in and I will drive down stream to pick you up if you can float that long."

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from Visitor wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Deeter - You nailed it right on the head. Not to push you any closer to the edge, but you forgot another point.The indicator plunges so fast there is a ripple and the client just looks at it. Us guides say set. The client is still mesmerized by the phenomenal disappearance and fast movement of the indicator that he does not set. We holler louder this time - SET! And on the third SET! SET! SET! you lean over to client and suggest that he may want to set the hook.The ever famous response from the client is - I thought you were telling my buddy to set.CHEERS my friend.

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from con man wrote 6 years 24 weeks ago

kdyou nailed it! Guideing can be a thankless labor of.... love? hate? confusion? anger? with that said, it makes all the killer days on the water with your bros , when your not guideing, that much sweeter!cheers kd...i'm digging the new sitecon-man

0 Good Comment? | | Report

Post a Comment

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0 Good Comment? | | Report
from chuckie the bride dolls wrote 6 years 21 weeks ago

Very good site. Thank you:-)http://chefrevival.qeruzyq.info/ chefrevivalhttp://pulsar-gents.vibodixu.info/ pulsar gentshttp://legally-blonde.mynuf.info/ legally blondehttp://nissan-frontier-grille-guard.rolofitaf.info/ nissan frontier grille guardhttp://rags.rykad.info/ ragshttp://chuckie-the-bride-dolls.hosotafa.info/ chuckie the bride dollshttp://pewter-beer-steins.qogytona.info/ pewter beer steinshttp://bed-frame-headboards-water.myfuxigem.info/ bed frame headboards waterhttp://padded-headboards-and-beds.wakifoso.info/ padded headboards and bedshttp://baldessarini.bylewy.info/ baldessarinihttp://sango-plates.nobivyg.info/ sango plateshttp://bakers-rack.symylojo.info/ bakers rackhttp://ladies-fossil-watches.pedujan.info/ ladies fossil watcheshttp://models-of-yesteryear.zyhyru.info/ models of yesteryearhttp://mother-jewelry.gydox.info/ mother jewelryhttp://steve-madden.pyzadu.info/ steve maddenhttp://model-casting-2005.ciwog.info/ model casting 2005http://shelby-elinor.rolofitaf.info/ shelby elinorhttp://miss-earth-2005-swimsuit-pics.vefo.info/ miss earth 2005 swimsuit picshttp://el-camino.sybiq.info/ el camino

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Alex wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

i once had a guy fall off the boat as he had hooked a big rainbow and got all exciteted

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from KD wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Terry Gunn ... Your book started my book, and sooner or later they will meld into the same. Funny how things evolve, isn't it? Man, it was good to see you in Denver. We're fishing in the spring.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Terry Gunn wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Kirk,Now you know why after 25 years I have cut back from guiding 300 days a year to modest 125 days. Every day on the crick is a new story and my book was getting way too thick!

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Tad Howard wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Kirk,Had one this season that took the cake. Had a car sick 9 year old show up for the day. Promptly on shaking hands i noticed a funny look on his face just before he puked on my foot (I was wearing sandals). As if to add insult to injury the kids were almost determined to see how far they could wade out into the river before getting swept away. So we go fish the pond. Hard to get in trouble there?? No!! After catching a couple trout said 9 year old proceeds to do a canon ball off the dock, in his waders, into the middle on the pond. That made for an interesting rescue mission. Dad finally called it a day.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Anthony Bartkowski wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Taking the plunge - this was no nestle tea plunge of yesteryear. This summer I have a good ole chap from England. He latches into a nice 5-pounder. We are on the bank and he is just fighting it hard. Every now and then it would come closer and then run like hect. Finally the Brit pulls it in and I get it netted. I told him to stay put as we were on shifting rocks. Before I could stand up straight, I was bumped hard enough as the cheery chap wanted to look at the largest trout of his life. Little did he know, I was now off balance at 8:30 a.m. and going for a swim head first in full gear.Once getting my footing on the bottom and pulling myself to the bank with a netted fish, full waders, and waist pack, we snap a quick picture. I toss the guy from across the pond back to the bank to drain everything and re-dress as he latches into another.Cheers he says. Here is to your cheers you dry ... Fill in the blank.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Anthony Bartkowski wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

The Ffloggies - make it exist as a tab for everyone to enjoy a good belly laugh. Great thread the eye story.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from KD wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Give me more ... I'm feeling better already. The toenails are definitely right up there. But I love the thick line. Classic.I think we should honor our former name by instituting the "Fflogger Awards" - the "Ffloggies" for short -- to include categories like, best boat wreck, best hook impaling, strange but true client moments, and more.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Visitor wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Ben,That is perhaps the best guide story I have ever heard. I'm belly laughing by myself in my office. So good...

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from BenRomans wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Hey Kirk, good stuff. . . Its been a few years for me but it takes me back to those times when you just know from the moment you shake a client's hand that it is going to be a long day. . . Fisherman's intuition I suppose.One of my personal favorites was a client that instantly gave me the impression he didn't know his ass from his elbow. On the way to the water he said if he could learn how to get that "thick line" through the eye of his hooks, then the day would be a success. . . The entire head of his line was widdled away after dozens of failed attempts to reach the core--the only part of the line he thought would fit through a hook eye. . . I racked up quite a beer tab that night. . .

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from GillRaker wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

I once guided a consultant from the beltway and his emotionally challenged wife. The husband refused to get in the Frying Pan, because I hadn't disclosed the fact that river rocks were "slippery," then spent the rest of the day sulking and reading books in my truck. His wife, annoyed by the situation, decided to spend the remainder of the trip simultaneously false casting and insulting my chosen profession. At one point on the drive home, the woman even removed her shoes and began clipping toenails onto my floor mat. I dropped the couple off at the fly shop and refused compensation for the trip. They went to the manager, Tim Heng, and requested a refund. Everyone agreed to forget the day and go their separate ways. As we all wandered to our vehicles muttering profanities under our breath, Tim walked outside and declared, "That was a great trip!" No one turned around.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Anthony Bartkowski wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Now for the most famous move of all... Similar to your No. 4. You walk into a nice deep run and tell them to stand right here on the bank. They look at you like you have two heads and ask, "I don't have to stand in the water."I have always wanted to say, "Sure buddy, take a step in and I will drive down stream to pick you up if you can float that long."

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Visitor wrote 6 years 23 weeks ago

Deeter - You nailed it right on the head. Not to push you any closer to the edge, but you forgot another point.The indicator plunges so fast there is a ripple and the client just looks at it. Us guides say set. The client is still mesmerized by the phenomenal disappearance and fast movement of the indicator that he does not set. We holler louder this time - SET! And on the third SET! SET! SET! you lean over to client and suggest that he may want to set the hook.The ever famous response from the client is - I thought you were telling my buddy to set.CHEERS my friend.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from con man wrote 6 years 24 weeks ago

kdyou nailed it! Guideing can be a thankless labor of.... love? hate? confusion? anger? with that said, it makes all the killer days on the water with your bros , when your not guideing, that much sweeter!cheers kd...i'm digging the new sitecon-man

0 Good Comment? | | Report

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