THE CROSSBEAMS OF MY WORLD have been buckling lately, and as is my custom in such situations, I've been spending a lot of time in the woods. It's too early for fishing and too late for hunting, so I've been after sheds. This has given me time to think about a persistent problem in my life—the great number of people and things that don't live up to my expectations. At any given moment, I could name dozens of examples. Here are three: (1) the person who tells me that setting up a digital trail camera is "intuitive," (2) anyone who brings cranberry-flavored beer to my house expecting me to drink it, and (3) people who get divorced.
I know that divorce, like fruit-flavored beer, is a fact of life and that many otherwise honorable people get divorced. Still, I've always believed it was the quitter's path. The way I see it, if you stand in church before God and somebody's fat aunt with a video camera and declare, "Till death do us part," you don't get out of it before one of you is pushing up BioLogic Full Draw (a proven blend of cultivars that contains an astonishing 38 percent crude protein). And so the fact that I myself am in the midst of a divorce poses a dilemma: I must either admit to being a hypocrite or add my own name to the list of people who, in my personal opinion, fail to measure up.
The details of my marital breakdown are not particularly juicy. Nobody lied, cheated, or tried to become an Amway distributor. If there was anything out of the ordinary, it was the event that finally set the split in motion, which just shows that no one ever completely understands his own heart. In my case, the trigger was the death of my best friend's father, Lou, whom I'd known and loved since I was a boy. He was 95. He'd lived about as full a life as a man can. His death should have come as no shock. And yet that's exactly what it was. It turned over something deep inside me as surely as tumblers align in a lock when the right key is inserted. I suddenly recognized what had been staring me in the face for quite some time. The marriage wasn't working, and despite counseling, I didn't know how to make it work. I asked for a divorce.
Rattling around at night in a nearly empty rental house, replaying the words I'd slung and those slung back, I felt like a ghost, like a man so lightly tethered to this earth that a good breeze might come along and blow him into the next world as easily as it would a column of smoke. More mornings than not, I'd sit down to a stack of work and find myself unable to focus, unwilling to try, and not particularly heedful about any consequences I might be courting. Then I'd drive until I found some likely looking woods and walk south-facing ridges and fencelines and deer trails until it was too dark to see. I got cut up pretty badly the first few times.
After a while I also started noticing footprints headed to the same places I went. Hey, I thought, somebody else is getting a divorce, too. The only strategy I could come up with was to look in places others weren't willing to go. I up-armored myself in Filson Tin Cloth chaps and jacket, long, leather-palmed work gloves, and a heavy stick to beat down the briers. For the really thick brush, I took a machete I'd filed very sharp. I wasn't finding many sheds, but the few I did were good ones, enough to keep me coming back. More important, the woods were the only place where I understood the rules anymore, the only place my body seemed to regain its weight and substance. Sometimes, after a few hours there, I would remember that millions had been through the same horror and survived. Occasionally I could even imagine being happy, feeling whole again. And every so often, when I stumbled upon an antler and thought of an old, wild buck standing there a week or a month earlier, when I touched that smooth, hard shed, I would feel blessed for a moment. It was like I'd found all the wildness and ancient knowledge of the woods distilled and compressed into a tangible thing. At that instant, the fact that I was alive, that I was able to have a life full of sorrow and loss, joy and experience, was itself a miracle.
This happened to me just last week. It was my turn to have my daughter Emma the next Friday, which was forecast to be balmy. We had already planned our first cookout at my new place. When I got home from the woods, I called Jane and asked if she would like to join us. She seemed taken aback for a minute, but we talked for a bit and at last she accepted. "Bill?" she said as we prepared to hang up. "Thank you. Really."
I put the shed, a 5-pointer, on the table with the others. And felt good about myself for the first time in a long while.
I felt like a man so lightly tethered to this earth that a good breeze might blow him into the next world.
Comments (18)
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ?
I thought that this was a very interesting article. At first the only reason that I decided to read this article was due to my quirky passion about shed hunting and then I realized that there was so much more going on here. Mr. Heavey was letting us get a glimpse of his soul, which is a rarity in this day and age. Sadly, this is all too common for many people who may have thought,"what can I get out of this marriage". I can only speak from my own marriage, but it is conscience, daily effort to love and put my wife first. More times than not, I fail at putting her and God ahead of my own desires. life is incredibly short and precious and we are here only for so long. I feel for Mr. Heavey and I wish that his marriage could be saved for everyone that is involved, but keep spending time in God's great outdoors- there is great power in the serenity and beauty of the woods.
i went shed hunting for the first time last weekend and loved it. this was a good article
i love shed hunting
Its always enjoyable finding that big shed
I've never been shed hunting but I get the same feeling about being in the woods or fishing on a deserted pond...it's more of a sanctuary really.
Bill, that article was written several months ago, I hope things have continued to turn up for you since then... Good luck!
This story hit home with me as I to have gone through a divorce and felt very similar feelings. I to was drawn to the outdoors for tranquility not so much the shed hunting as being with nature and realizing there is so much more in this life than just us. Great article Bill.
Thank you!
i can definitely relate to the situation mr. heavey was facing. i too went through divorce,i too spent many a long hour contemplating who and what i was, and how i could have failed so. i not only found solace in the woods, but for a very long time the woods was the only place where i felt safe and happy. i am in a wonderful relationship now and she is very good to me. but she understands completely that when we have a bad day with the kids or when stresses arise at work, sometimes i need to be in the woods. sometimes she'll actually send me there to " get my bearing". i think she understands this so because a good book can work the same magic for her. everyone needs their release once in a while, and the lucky ones find it. thank you for sharing your humanity. it's artcles like this that poeple can relate to, and thusly why we come back for more.
In this short piece, Bill captured some of the magic we fellow shed hunters feel when we find what we're looking for. Thank you for the insight and goodness.
I remember reading this article in my magazine and this phrase caught my attention then, as it does now;
"I felt like a ghost, like a man so lightly tethered to this earth that a good breeze might come along and blow him into the next world as easily as it would a column of smoke."
I recall the exact place and time, when I too, was going through a divorce, that I felt "so lightly tethered to this earth" ... emptied and done was my translation.
I decided at that time, that love was worth fighting for, surrendering to, whatever it took, to get my wife back and stay married.
Happily!
I was sitting in an open field, during gun season. I had a doe walk up to me, as I was recording my thoughts and feelings about my divorce.I could have spit on her, she was so close. I think, because I didn't pay any attention to the doe, her curiosity drew her closer to me as I laid on the ground.
Well ... "the breeze" that I was waiting on, "to blow me into the next world," never showed up. A scripture from the Good Book came to mind, as the curious deer was gettin' a nose full of 2Poppa.
"As the deer panteth for water,so my soul longeth for Thee, O God ...
Death and divorce has a way of prying open a mans eyes, and causing him to examine himself.
Well ... I got my wife back, and things are better.
Thanks Mr. Heavey for sharin' your "soul" with your faithful followers.
Hope you are doing fine, I look forward to your articles each month.
PS I saw that same deer two more times that season (2007), just as close, and she never appeared to be alarmed by my presence.
I went shed hhunting for the first time this yesr and it was extremly difficult iwas out there for days and didnt finf a thing but did find some trails i didnt know about.
that was a sad artical,but a true one,,there isnt any thing like the woods to make you forget about real life at home
Shed hunting is like hunting for treasure. Except there's no map or anything. My great-grandad found an 8-point shed on the way to his car. Also, one of my buddies found a monster 6-point shed in his backyard. So it just goes to show you never know when or where you may find a great shed.
This isnt about shed hunting per se. This is more about the spiritual experiance and the feeling of being in touch with the other side. I love being in the woods. It makes me feel alive. Alive like nothing else can make me feel. I feel in touch with my ancestors and the elements of the unknown. Shed hunting is merely the avenue in which Mr. Heavey used as transportaion.
GOD BLESS YOU MR. Heavey. Please don't dispair. Keep your head up(except while lookin')and keep up the EXCELENT STORYS !!!!
WE"LL BE YOUR FAMILY !!!
keep up the good work mr.heavey. every issue of f&s i get i turn to the back to read your funny, and yet sometimes sad stories.
Bill you need to check out the song "A Ghost to Most" by the Drive BY Truckers.
"Baby every bone in my body's gone to jumpin, like they're gonna come through my skin. If they coould get along without the rest of me it wouldn't matter if they did. Skeletons ain't got no where to stick there money, nobody makes britches that size, and besides your a ghost to most before they notice that you ever had a hair or a hide"
I constantly question my worth as a man and value as a husband and father, due to my chronic irresponsibilty, and the trials it puts my wife and kid through. Hang in there, no one measures up everyday, and it seems that those of us with an outdoorsman's bent are often our own harshest judges
So many times parents that are going through a divorce will also deal with verbally abusive kids.
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I thought that this was a very interesting article. At first the only reason that I decided to read this article was due to my quirky passion about shed hunting and then I realized that there was so much more going on here. Mr. Heavey was letting us get a glimpse of his soul, which is a rarity in this day and age. Sadly, this is all too common for many people who may have thought,"what can I get out of this marriage". I can only speak from my own marriage, but it is conscience, daily effort to love and put my wife first. More times than not, I fail at putting her and God ahead of my own desires. life is incredibly short and precious and we are here only for so long. I feel for Mr. Heavey and I wish that his marriage could be saved for everyone that is involved, but keep spending time in God's great outdoors- there is great power in the serenity and beauty of the woods.
I've never been shed hunting but I get the same feeling about being in the woods or fishing on a deserted pond...it's more of a sanctuary really.
Bill, that article was written several months ago, I hope things have continued to turn up for you since then... Good luck!
GOD BLESS YOU MR. Heavey. Please don't dispair. Keep your head up(except while lookin')and keep up the EXCELENT STORYS !!!!
WE"LL BE YOUR FAMILY !!!
So many times parents that are going through a divorce will also deal with verbally abusive kids.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ?
i went shed hunting for the first time last weekend and loved it. this was a good article
i love shed hunting
This story hit home with me as I to have gone through a divorce and felt very similar feelings. I to was drawn to the outdoors for tranquility not so much the shed hunting as being with nature and realizing there is so much more in this life than just us. Great article Bill.
Thank you!
i can definitely relate to the situation mr. heavey was facing. i too went through divorce,i too spent many a long hour contemplating who and what i was, and how i could have failed so. i not only found solace in the woods, but for a very long time the woods was the only place where i felt safe and happy. i am in a wonderful relationship now and she is very good to me. but she understands completely that when we have a bad day with the kids or when stresses arise at work, sometimes i need to be in the woods. sometimes she'll actually send me there to " get my bearing". i think she understands this so because a good book can work the same magic for her. everyone needs their release once in a while, and the lucky ones find it. thank you for sharing your humanity. it's artcles like this that poeple can relate to, and thusly why we come back for more.
In this short piece, Bill captured some of the magic we fellow shed hunters feel when we find what we're looking for. Thank you for the insight and goodness.
I remember reading this article in my magazine and this phrase caught my attention then, as it does now;
"I felt like a ghost, like a man so lightly tethered to this earth that a good breeze might come along and blow him into the next world as easily as it would a column of smoke."
I recall the exact place and time, when I too, was going through a divorce, that I felt "so lightly tethered to this earth" ... emptied and done was my translation.
I decided at that time, that love was worth fighting for, surrendering to, whatever it took, to get my wife back and stay married.
Happily!
I was sitting in an open field, during gun season. I had a doe walk up to me, as I was recording my thoughts and feelings about my divorce.I could have spit on her, she was so close. I think, because I didn't pay any attention to the doe, her curiosity drew her closer to me as I laid on the ground.
Well ... "the breeze" that I was waiting on, "to blow me into the next world," never showed up. A scripture from the Good Book came to mind, as the curious deer was gettin' a nose full of 2Poppa.
"As the deer panteth for water,so my soul longeth for Thee, O God ...
Death and divorce has a way of prying open a mans eyes, and causing him to examine himself.
Well ... I got my wife back, and things are better.
Thanks Mr. Heavey for sharin' your "soul" with your faithful followers.
Hope you are doing fine, I look forward to your articles each month.
PS I saw that same deer two more times that season (2007), just as close, and she never appeared to be alarmed by my presence.
I went shed hhunting for the first time this yesr and it was extremly difficult iwas out there for days and didnt finf a thing but did find some trails i didnt know about.
that was a sad artical,but a true one,,there isnt any thing like the woods to make you forget about real life at home
Shed hunting is like hunting for treasure. Except there's no map or anything. My great-grandad found an 8-point shed on the way to his car. Also, one of my buddies found a monster 6-point shed in his backyard. So it just goes to show you never know when or where you may find a great shed.
This isnt about shed hunting per se. This is more about the spiritual experiance and the feeling of being in touch with the other side. I love being in the woods. It makes me feel alive. Alive like nothing else can make me feel. I feel in touch with my ancestors and the elements of the unknown. Shed hunting is merely the avenue in which Mr. Heavey used as transportaion.
keep up the good work mr.heavey. every issue of f&s i get i turn to the back to read your funny, and yet sometimes sad stories.
Bill you need to check out the song "A Ghost to Most" by the Drive BY Truckers.
"Baby every bone in my body's gone to jumpin, like they're gonna come through my skin. If they coould get along without the rest of me it wouldn't matter if they did. Skeletons ain't got no where to stick there money, nobody makes britches that size, and besides your a ghost to most before they notice that you ever had a hair or a hide"
I constantly question my worth as a man and value as a husband and father, due to my chronic irresponsibilty, and the trials it puts my wife and kid through. Hang in there, no one measures up everyday, and it seems that those of us with an outdoorsman's bent are often our own harshest judges
Its always enjoyable finding that big shed
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