April 07, 2006
Guns for Troubled Times
By David E. Petzal and Phil Bourjaily
Now that we’ve got the poor old T-rex shot to pieces, here’s another hypothetical-choice rant. Pay attention, because things are going to happen fast.
Sept. 11, 2006: On the advice of the CIA, President Bush orders the invasion of Iran. However, the only troops available are 31 court stenographers from the Judge Advocate General’s Corps in Washington, D.C.
Sept. 12: Citing “increased security concerns,” Vice President Cheney begins carrying a handgun.
Sept. 17: While practicing his fast draw, the Vice President accidentally shoots a member of his Secret Service detail. The remaining agents instinctively return fire, giving the Veep his Sixth and Final Deferment.
Sept. 25: Citing “ ... catastrophic lack of leadership,” Senator Hillary Clinton appoints herself President Of the United States for Life. Her first official act is to disband both Congress and the Supreme Court. Her second is to order the execution by firing squad of William Jefferson Clinton.
Sept. 26: Despite assurances of progress by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, the U.S. invasion force in Iran is quickly overwhelmed. In retaliation, the Iranians rain hitherto-undetected nuclear missiles on the major oilfields of the Middle East.
Sept. 27: Oil and gas reserves in the U.S. immediately fall by 77 percent. Widespread looting and riots begin. President for Life Clinton declares martial law; however, with most of our troops overseas, efforts to enforce it fail.
Dec. 25: With the oil gone, life in the U.S. deteriorates to a level not seen since man lived in caves.
And now the question, fellow bloggers: You are allowed one gun to defend yourself and your family in this new Dark Age. What’s your choice?