The Worst of the Worst
It's awards time! But being nominated isn't necessarily an honor.
April, 2003

Ignore that harebrained Gregorian calendar the bank sends you each year in exchange for raising its ATM fees to roughly the amount you were planning to withdraw in the first place. For one thing, that method of tracking the year is named after an Italian guy who was pope nearly 500 years ago and whose real name was Ugo Buoncompagni, not Greg. For another, any outdoorsman worth his grunt tube knows that right now, after the last days of hunting season have wound down and just before fishing cranks up, is when the new year really begins. But before embarking on fresh adventures in pursuit of fin, feather, and antler, let us pause to salute those who screwed up so royally last time around they make the rest of us look as savvy as the guy who invented the corn dog.

Can't Fool Mother Nature Award.
According to KIFI-TV in eastern Idaho, an animal-rights activist calling himself Jesshua Amun was badly mauled by a grizzly bear outside of Yellowstone National Park in August. Amun was with three members of the Buffalo Field Campaign, a group outraged by the killing of bison that wander outside the park, who were charged by a female grizzly with cubs while they were tracking a bull bison. All four ran, but it was Amun the bear chose for a mauling that required hundreds of stitches to repair. A photo of the victim's badly chewed mug was sent out over the wire services to newspapers. Shortly afterward, Ohio police asked Idaho authorities to arrest him. Turns out his real name is Jeffrey Scheu. And the mama grizzly may have sniffed him out for what police officials say he truly was: a deadbeat dad. Scheu subsequently pleaded guilty to three counts of failure to pay child support.

Honesty Is the Worst Policy Award.
Bob Bowling of Willard, Kentucky, who accidentally shot himself in his right upper thigh last winter, initially told police that his holstered handgun had discharged when he sat down, according to the Ashland Daily Independent. Later, in a moment of honesty he probably now regrets, Bowling admitted that he'd plugged himself while practicing quick-draw moves on a snowman in his backyard. The snowman was not charged and has since rejoined the water table.

The Poetic Justice Award.
This one has been making the rounds on the Internet and is difficult to confirm, but it has that Homo sapient ring of truth to it. As the story goes, two Michigan duck hunters drove out onto a frozen lake late in the season with everything they needed for a successful hunt: a brand-new $42,500 Lincoln Navigator, shotguns, a Labrador retriever, and dynamite to create a honey hole. They lit the 40-second fuse on the explosive and threw it as far away as they could, whereupon the Lab eagerly bounded off to fetch the smoking red stick. Seeing the dog start on his return trip and suddenly fearing for their lives, one of the pair fired at man's best friend, stunning but not stopping him. The guy fired again, and the dog, now panicked, did the only sensible thing: It dove underneath the new SUV for cover. Moments later, the Lab went to heaven and the SUV went to the bottom of the lake. Fortunately, the tale has a happy ending. The owner of the vehicle was told by his insurance company that his policy did not cover the illegal use of explosives. The $560 monthly payments would remain in effect until the purchase price was met.

These tales will bring me immeasurable comfort during the coming months as I make precision casts into the tops of trees, hike 3 miles in darkness to a deer stand without the release for my bow, or step into waist-deep potholes wearing hip waders. I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but there are guys out there who make me look like a razor blade.