I Want My Bass TV
Stay tuned for more (yawn) bass action
September, 2003

Nobody was home to stop me last Saturday, so I watched bass shows on cable television for six hours. That's right, six straight hours of rod-bending, line-stretching, heart-pounding action. And when it was all over, I was a new man. I had learned about structure fishing and finesse angling from the experts. I had learned about life on the tournament trail. And every six minutes I had learned about the recent advances in hair replacement and diet supplements that are so important to successful bass fishing.

Perhaps the single most important thing I learned is that, on average, it takes a full 40 hours of raw sewage-"sorry, footage-"to make a half-hour program. So when the guy on camera finally catches a fish, it unhinges him a little, causing him to repeat what he's saying at least three times. Let me demonstrate with actual quotes (names omitted to protect the guilty):

"Good fish. Nice fish. Healthy fish. And fat. That is one fat fish.-¿

"That's a gorgeous fish. Just a gorgeous, gorgeous fish.-¿ "Oh, man. He just inhaled that spinnerbait. He crushed it. He hammered that thing.-¿

I also learned that there is almost nothing so obvious that you can't say it on bass television. Let me elaborate with more genuine quotes. These are things people actually said. I mean verbally, using their lips:

"If a fish hits your bait right under the boat, you may be too close to the structure. You need to back up.-¿

"If they're not shallow, don't be afraid to look deep.-¿

"Remember, the bass can be in, over, or just off the weedbeds. Or any other kind of structure.-¿

"The places where the lines get closer together on your topo maps, those are the places where it's steep. That's where your dropoffs tend to be.-¿

Sometimes the obviousness transcends itself and approaches a kind of bassing epiphany, a Zen moment:

"Those big dudes are in here to feed. And believe me, if they want it, they'll come get it.-¿

"The Classic is hard to win but very easy to lose.-¿

"You've got to move, move, move. And when you find the fish, they're there.-¿

We'll be right back with more eye-popping action. But first, lean in a little, so I can shout the following question directly into your ear. WHEN IS A DIET PILL WORTH $153 A BOTTLE? The answer is; When it releases tiny army men directly into your bloodstream to take on fat cells in hand-to-hand combat. Lardbegone is much too expensive and much too powerful for the casual dieter who wants to shed 5 or 10 "vanity-¿ pounds. But if you're so fat that people think you're backing up when your beeper goes off, Lardbegone might be for you.

A number of anglers have expressed concern about what bass fishing is "all about.-¿ Fortunately, the experts are only too happy to share their wisdom:

"It all boils down to execution. The final element in your success equation is execution.-¿

"It's all about timing. You might not be here when they're feeding. But if you come back in two hours, you'll catch one every cast. So it's all about timing. And about boat positioning. And banging that cover with your lure. That's what it's all about.-¿

Another thing I noticed is that many television hosts like to kiss the bass they catch. I don't know who started this, but it has become epidemic. And it has to be hurting the catch-and-release survival rate. How strong do you think your will to live would be if the last thing you saw before being set free was an extreme close-up of Woo Daves' lips?

My favorite moment of the whole day came when Babe Winkelman and a friend were banging one largemouth after another on downed timber off a point in a Wisconsin lake.

"Babe,-¿ asked the friend, dutifully setting up his host for a sage observation, "does that current going through here have anything to