Deer Camp Rules
Established codes of conduct and deportment while at camp.
1. If a camp member should get lost, the distress signal is three shots, with an interval of 10 seconds between shots. This is so members may distinguish between the truly lost and those who are merely poor marksmen.
2. Nobody over 300 pounds permitted in upper bunks for any reason. One member is still removing plywood splinters from his backside after last year’s incident involving Tiny Binstock.
3. No lawyers allowed as guests. Ever. Even if he or she is a blood relation.
4. A dish is deemed clean if the user cannot identify last foodstuff eaten off of it.
5. Any hunter observed missing a shot under 150 yards at a standing deer will have his shirttail cut off in the presence of all camp members that evening. However, the “Henderson exception” stipulates that no hunter shall have more than three shirts destroyed in said manner per day.
6. Polypropylene long johns may be worn for no more than five days, or until fumes can be seen emanating from them, whichever comes first.
7. The Saran Wrap-over-the-outhouse-seat trick may not be perpetrated after the first week of hunting season.
8. A member shooting a buck under 100 pounds live weight (or doe under 70 pounds) must leave the animal where it drops. A party including the shooter and a majority of members present will then be assembled to retrieve the deer. Members hauling the carcass will express incredulity at the immense size of the animal and voice the fear of injuring their backs. This is intended to promote camaraderie and group cohesion.
9. A deer taken by a member may gain no more than 2 antler points per hunting year, with a 4-point maximum. To wit, a 6-pointer may be referred to as an 8-pointer the following season, and a 10-pointer the season after, but will never become a 12-pointer no matter how long the hunter lives.
10. Peeing off the porch is prohibited during daylight hours. Peeing off the south end of porch after dark is permitted provided no members are sleeping in impact zone.
11. Any boy shooting his first buck will, at that evening’s dinner, be given the choice of eating either the right or left testicle of the buck. Cook will serve 2 hush puppies of not less than 3 inches diameter each to the boy. After a suitable silence, boy’s father or guardian will say, “Hell, I’ll make it easy for you, son,” and consume one hush puppy whole. He will then smack his lips and declare, “Now that’s a good testicle!”
12. All poker debts incurred after 9 p.m. are to be rolled one decimal point to the left. Thus, $100 becomes $10, $1,000 becomes $100, etc.
13. Cellphones will be confiscated and dropped down the most-used hole in the outhouse, to be retrieved at their owners’ convenience.
If you have a rule that you think should make this list, e-mail us at email@example.com. We’ll post the best ones.