Bigfoot Is Real

You can find Sasquatch online, or you can put him there yourself

movie cover of bigfoot movie with Alice Cooper
Bigfoot crashes an Alice Cooper concert.From Amazon.com

I hope all the naysayers are coming to their senses. TV, YouTube, and Amazon don’t lie. Bigfoot is real.

Animal Planet's Finding Bigfoot series is in its 11th season. There are 364 Bigfoot videos and TV shows available on Amazon—many of them free to Prime members, so it's totally worth the extra dough. One is a movie about an Alice Cooper concert in Alaska, which is interrupted by a 25-foot-tall Bigfoot, which means people have no choice but to bombard the thing with bullets, shoulder-fired missiles, etc. Look up bigfoot vids on YouTube and you get "About 2,290,000 results." Figure a few of them are filming the same 'Squatch more than once, but that still means there are least…2 million Bigfoots out there. (And that you've got a lot of catching up to do.)

Okay, so that settles that.

If you are reading this, you’ve undoubtedly experienced a firsthand desire to make your own Bigfoot video. Unless you’re in, like, total denial. That’s cool. You’ll come around.

Meanwhile, I'm going to offer invaluable advice—based on 35 minutes of exhaustive research—on how to make your own Undeniable Evidence of Bigfoot video. You'll need the following:

• A gorilla suit, or at least something with enough black fur that you can claim you saw the creature’s back, chest, or underarms. Go to a barber shop and offer to sweep up if you have to.

• A mask, i.e. pretty much anything you can get your hands on, whether you go Star Wars, traditional gorilla (mountain, eastern, western, western lowland) mask, or rental-costume gorilla head.

• An old cellphone or otherwise inferior camera with Vaseline or grease smeared on the lens to reduce clarity. This is Standard Operating Procedure and it hides the many mistakes you’ll make as a first-timer.

• Shaky hands. Anyone who has ever experienced being in the personal comfort zone of a ’Squatch knows that it’s a profoundly disrupting experience. Same if you’re making a video. No one will believe a steady camera or clear images. It’s just too easy.

• Fast, desperate breathing. You can overdub this. Watch Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue videos if you have to.

• Creepy music track. This can range from weird chimes—a favorite of many network Bigfoot shows—to strings to electronic to the cry of a bunnyrabbit in trouble played at one-quarter speed. It just needs to sound the way you’d feel if you accidentally ingested some hallucinogen. And really, really creepy.

Some 5-minute vids about Bigfoot only contain 30 seconds of “seeing” the critter. The rest is quick darting around of the camera and moving vegetation that shouldn’t be moving. If you can rig a jerk string duck deke, you can do the same with any bush. Or have your buddy do it.

When you do get some actual footage, remember that no Bigfoot footage has ever shown a ’Squatch that moves with the grace of a wild animal. Bigfoot moves like a dude in a heavy gorilla costume. And nobody in a heavy gorilla costume moves quickly. Remember me when the offers to make your own TV series start rolling in.