Concealed Carry While Wearing a Dress

Like most men, I spend a lot of time wondering what life would be like if I were a woman. And, more specifically, how I'd handle the concealed carry of a firearm while wearing a dress. So I was delighted to come across an article on this recently. The fact that it had cheesecake photos was, of course, offensive to me as an imaginary woman. Nonetheless, I felt a duty to read on. The key sentence was this: "Needless to say, some [options] are more practical than others." Let's run through the list.

• Ankle carry. Upside: Minimal risk of the gun being spotted because of the way the fabric drapes over the firearm. (The technical term for this is “printing.”) Downside: You need to be wearing a long dress. And if you’re wearing a long dress, you’re probably wearing really high heels, two factors that work against your agility.

Conclusion: Hey, pioneer women crossed the country in wagon trains wearing long skirts beneath which they could have hidden a buffalo gun. Come to think of it, some probably did. Go for it.

• Hip-hugger carry. Upside: nice photo! They now make holsters that look like lingerie! Downside: Depending on body shape, this can be uncomfortable and prints easily. Type of dress affects ease of access.

Conclusion: I have no idea. But the photo carries this one. Thumbs up.

• Belly-band carry. Upside: Big with traditionalists, as this is closest to inside-the-waistband (IWB) carry on the list. Downside: Like the hip hugger, it can be uncomfortable and hard to access.

Conclusion: Need a hotter photo. It can make you look lumpy, so it’s fine for anytime you don’t care how you look.

• Back carry. The deal here is that you’re trying to conceal the gun’s shape in the small of your back. Upside: May print less and be more comfortable than the hip hugger or belly band. Downside: May also be difficult to access. Also, you need a seriously deformed back to have enough curvature to conceal a gun.

Conclusion: In the photo, the gun rests mostly on the model’s right butt cheek. Great conversation starter!

• Purse (off body) carry. Upside: Most comfortable and “stealthiest” possible carry. Downside: Article is supposed to be about dresses.

Conclusion: Foul ball, out of play. Also, least interesting photo of all.

• Thigh carry. Upside: Apparently Angelina Jolie carried this way and looked hot in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, a movie I didn't see. Upside: You can pretend you're Angelina Jolie. Downside: Strapping a gun to your outer thigh fairly screams, "I'm carrying a gun just like Angelina Jolie in that movie!" You can switch to the inner thigh, which increases stealth but sacrifices the Angelina Factor. And you definitely can't ride a horse.

Conclusion: Awesome for Angelina. For the rest of us, not so much.

• Bra carry. Upside: Fairly low printability on this one. Also, if you’re right-handed, it can be satisfying if you dislike the co-worker seated to your immediate left. Because that’s where the gun will be pointing all day. Downside: It’s difficult to reach quickly and looks like it rides right over your diaphragm.

Conclusion: I’m on the fence about this one. It could also affect your performance in a choral group or playing wind instruments.

Overall conclusion: Some options are better than others. This is one of those times when the best option is to be a man.