Guns Don’t Kill People; Ink Kills People

Much as I try to introduce a healthy dose of the ridiculous, the grotesque, and the semi-believable (for example, Der Adolf raving about registering ARs) to this blog, life keeps beating me at my own game. Which brings us to the town of Norridgewock, Maine where, on March 18, one Michael Smith, who works the night shift (job unspecified) was awakened at 10 AM by tree surgeons taking down limbs that were threatening power lines near his house. Mr. Smith, who was shirtless, yelled at them from some distance to go away and let him sleep. But before you could say “Man with a gun,” his house was surrounded by Maine State Troopers and sheriff’s deputies, cocked and locked.

How come? It seems Mr. Smith likes tattoos, and one of his tats is a life-size automatic pistol inked on his stomach whose barrel appears to be shoved in his pants. The tree people assumed the tat was real and called the law, which fortunately took the trouble to find out what was going on before the command to fire was given. No one was hurt; no charges were filed; and Mr. Smith found himself a minor celebrity.

There’s a photo of him, shirtless, talking with a sheriff’s deputy, and it’s hard for me to see the tat as real. It’s one-dimensional, and most of the pistols I’ve seen are three-dimensional, but I guess if you’re fearful of attack by enraged tree lovers, you could make that mistake. In any event he’s lucky to be alive. If this had happened in New York City, or Los Angeles, or a Federal law-enforcement agency had been involved, Michael Smith would be getting a very long sleep about now.

As a result of this savage encounter:
Sen. Chuck Schumer will call a press conference to announce that gun tattoos can be smuggled past airport security and demand that they be outlawed.

Governors Cuomo (NY) and Malloy (CT) will demand that a tattoo of any gun with a magazine capacity of more than seven rounds be registered forthwith or removed by a state-approved plastic surgeon.

Hillary Clinton will state that as a girl, she always wanted a gun tattoo.

Vice President Joe Biden will assure Americans that if something frightens them in the night, all they have to do is step out on their porch with their gun tattoo in full view and the SWAT team will arrive shortly.

Senator Diane Feinstein will say that if she had the votes, she would confiscate every gun tattoo.

Vladimir Putin, who likes to awe the serfs by displaying his bare chest, will get an AK-74 tattoo in place of an automatic pistol.

Barrack Obama, anxious not to lose the macho contest with Putin, will get a tattoo, but because he’s uneasy with firearms, he will opt for a bong in place of a gun.

I’ll keep trying, but reality is much weirder than anything I can dream up.