Give the Gift of a Dry Butt

Send sweat-wicking underwear—anonymously.

SwamButt briefs
SwampButt is offering a special deal on their red performance briefs. From SwampButt

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I don’t know about you, but when I think of this special day, my thoughts turn to swamp butt, which is a specialized medical term for the butts of men who sweat a lot. This affliction touches the lives of literally dozens of men in this country. Some experts think there are that many sufferers in Alabama alone.

If you get a sweaty butt crack, a number of terrible things may befall you, including:

• An icky feeling.

• If you sit in your own sweat too long, bacteria and germs grow. That, according to Dr. David Pariser, a dermatologist in Norfolk, Va., can lead to maceration, which is a breakdown of the skin that can itch. Scratch that itch enough and you get an infection. No infection is a good one. And a butt-crack infection is an especially un-good one.

• It can embarrass your significant other, especially if he or she is female. A man with a sopping wet butt is not just unattractive, but—remember, we’re talking about women here—a sign that her mother and friends were right when they told her she could do better than you. They said, “Honey, there are tons of ’em out there with dry butts who are just as good and probably better.”

Fortunately, there’s a solution—SwampButt Underwear, made by a Texas-based company whose slogan is “Underwear for Hot People.” The company offers boxers and briefs in various blends of polyester, lycra, and cotton. All are designed to wick that sweat away from your butt, presumably in the direction of your fishing or hunting buddies.

And this Valentine’s Day, Swamp Butt is offering a special “Give the Gift of SwampButt Underwear Anonymously” deal. Simply go to SwampButt.com, order a pair of Performance Briefs in red, enter the code 2142017, and you’ll not only get a $3.59 discount, but the underwear will be sent to the person of your choice anonymously in a plain brown wrapper.

I think we can all agree that this is marketing genius. We can also agree that this effort should be targeted at women rather than men. So I’m not sure why the company sent the press release to Field & Stream.

On the other hand, the heartbreak of Swamp Butt undoubtedly plagues some women as well. So I suppose you could have a pair sent to your sweetheart anonymously if she is so afflicted.

Any man who does this braver than I am. Or just really dumb. Because she’s going to know who sent it almost immediately.