I would like to be able to say that I am pleased to introduce Bill Heavey, but that is a crock. I’m writing this because I was told that if I didn’t, I would be fired. I would like to be able to say that Bill and I are really great good friends despite our jabbing at each other in print, but that’s not true either. We regard each other with suspicion, much like two dogs circling a fire hydrant.

But give Bill his due. He is making an excellent living writing about his life as the Dysfunctional Outdoorsman, and that is not an act. A friend of mine who was on a caribou hunt with him describes it this way: “Bill really is worthless in the wilderness. I know someone who wanted to beat him up on general principles, but I have to admit, he’s pretty funny to have around.” * So let’s leave it at that. Here are Bill’s columns, presented for your entertainment. Or you can watch police-car crashes on Spike TV.—DP