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Chad Love: Bankers with Guns

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December 02, 2009

Chad Love: Bankers with Guns

By Chad Love

So say you're a Goldman Sachs investment banker and you're a little worried about the anti-Wall Street populist rabble-rousing all those little people keep going on about. You've got that seven-figure bonus check just burning a hole in your custom-tailored suit, so what do you do to protect yourself from the pitchfork-wielding mob?
 
According to this story, you do exactly what we little people do - buy a gun.
 
From the story (via the How The World Works blog):
 How tough is it to be a Goldman Sachs banker these days? Despite the record-breaking profits and unprecedented employee compensation, we learn from Bethany McLean's lengthy profile of the company in Vanity Fair that "there is an embattled feeling about the place," according to one person "who knows the firm well." How embattled? Bloomberg columnist Alice Shroeder passes on some hearsay: Goldman bankers are stocking up on ammo!

"I just wrote my first reference for a gun permit," said a friend, who told me of swearing to the good character of a Goldman Sachs Group Inc. banker who applied to the local police for a permit to buy a pistol. The banker had told this friend of mine that senior Goldman people have loaded up on firearms and are now equipped to defend themselves if there is a populist uprising against the bank."

Oh, brother. Apparently Rambo survival fantasies know no socio-economic boundaries. And OK, I must admit it. As someone who was born with a plastic Dixie spoon in my mouth, I'm enjoying a certain amount of proletarian schadenfreude at the ridiculous image of a bunch of Wall Street traders taking up their gilded arms to valiantly defend the firm against bloodthirsty hordes of fixed-income retirees, minimum-wage frycooks, and out-of-work truck drivers.

What would that sort of white-collar combat look like? I suspect it'd look something like this.

But then I got to thinking: If I were a millionaire investment banker, what gun would I buy to fend off the mob? A commoner's gun? Something vulgar, cheap, mass-produced? Or something a little more tasteful, refined? I'm privy to the demographic data for this blog's readership, and I happen to know there's a very high percentage of millionaire investment bankers among them. So speak up, Wall Street warriors! What weapon will you choose to defend yourself against common folk like, well...me?

Comments (28)

Top Rated
All Comments
from Mike Diehl wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

I think the bankers should all run out and get gyrojets. They're the First Best Choice for all the 'sharpest minds on Wall Street.'

+5 Good Comment? | | Report
from jjas wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

I wonder if TARP money was used to buy the guns?

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from RJ Arena wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

There is nothing like a nice side by side to show equality between the masses.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from thuroy wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

something nickel plated and engraved.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from Walt Smith wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

If a pissed off mob really wants to do you harm there isn't much you can do about it. Owning a firearm is one thing, knowing how to use it is another.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from deltabuck wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

something automatic. As a banker myself, i would love for someone to test my gun handling skills, but most of the people I work with would cringe at the sight of a gun. So I recommend an automatic, just point and click and throw the most lead for increased odds of actually hitting something. Can you say AK-47?!?!

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from kolbster wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

how about a Desert Eagle for the pistol
a Benelli m4 for the shotgun
a H&K G3 for the automatic rifle
and a Barret 50 cal for the sniper rifle

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from The Armchair Ou... wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

A matched pair of Holland and Holland double rifles with a peon to serve as loader.

+5 Good Comment? | | Report
from huntnow wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

my money says that they are gold plated, small calibers. something tells me that 007 might be emulated by this crowd and i doubt many of them could shoot like bond. anyway, no matter how much any of us have or don't have, we all have the right to protect ourselves.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from 82BUCKEYETOM wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

I agree with Mike Diehl those Gyrojets were as accurate as a banker is a warm caring human being. I find it laughable that bankers and their friends, the economists and credit rating companies would worry about a populist uprising against their greed. If they deserved the bonuses they were taking,if they actually created more jobs and made more opportunity for everyday Americans, what would they have to worry about?
What I would pay to see is one of those financial gurus stand up and say, "you know what, I don't deserve this obscene bonus, I'm going to donate it ALL to a local hospice or homeless shelter" That will be the day.

Wow that was a lot to say about bankers with guns

+4 Good Comment? | | Report
from coho310 wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

I think they should put this forward, there would be some interesting news headlines("Banker takes robber hostage"). I also think a good weapons choice is the good old Uzi. It's compact, powerful and dang scary, but the permits would cost probably hlf as much as the gun itself does.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from rabbitpolice88 wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

some custom European made gun that has a price tag of $15000.

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from rabbitpolice88 wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

Actually I am shocked they haven't hired personal body guards from Black Water.

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from Bordetella wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

Sounds like more flatulence from a conservative inbreeder.

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from fliphuntr14 wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

Im not going to lie im stereo typing when i say its going to be eccentric and most likely small with some sort of expensive engraving... it most likely wont be american made because reinvesting in the peoples prouducts that made them rich they pay more for often less quility... just my personal opinion...

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from Ruckweiler wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

When you have the Government of the United States demonizing your business, these people are concerned and rightly so. However, when Greed is mentioned, the Wall Street crowd are rank amateurs compared with the Federal government. Maybe the Federal workforce should be the ones arming themselves, instead. Would suggest that one and all remember that Divide and Conquer are the meat and potatoes of tyrants. Personally, I'd purchase a .357.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from Bella wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

Does Taurus make a gold plated, diamond encrusted Judge?
Normally Corporatist scum seem to want the consuming underclass peons disarmed. Now that the paranoia has come, I doubt they have changed their minds on this point. Still it is again hyppocritical for them to purchase guns and fund the Brady Bunch.
I'm glad the banker bozos are getting nervous, maybe they have some inkling of the harm they have done the rest of us, with their greed and elitism.
Put your money in Credit Unions! Dump the banks!

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from Jere Smith wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

.45 ACP, (Got one) 4 .357 Mag (got em) Buckmark .22 (Got one) 4 12Ga (Got em) 1 16 ga (Got it) 1 30/06 (Got it) 1 375 H&H(got it.

Barrett .50 BMG on my WISH list ;)

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from Zyounghunter wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

what every one has said is fine and dandy,but you got to admit Monty Python is top notch satire!!!

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from Mike Diehl wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

No worries. The populists have nothing to fear. If the sharpest minds at Goldman Sachs are as talented with their pistols as they are at banking, they couldn't hit the inside of a bank vault if they were locked inside it.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from Clay Cooper wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

Now days,

WHO"S ROBBING WHO!

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from cTXn wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

If I had the money I'd just pay R. Lee Ermey to fend off any mobs coming my direction. That man is more bad@$$ than any weapon on the market.

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from Jim in Mo wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

Chad, you SOB thanks for outing me as one of the millionaires on this site. LOL
I don't know if you were serious about your post but if so I don't know how a banker could carry a serious handgun. Could dress pants support a .40? Hell, nowadays could they support a 9 or 380? Sig has a new .380 out that weighs the same as my .40 SW (23oz) and it's a tad bigger. I guess they would need a shoulder rig -which to me are very comfortable to wear- and keep their jacket buttoned.

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from buckhunter wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

I deal with bankers everyday. I guarantee you they paid too much money for their guns.

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from BeardogRed wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

I am not one of the "proletarian schadenfreude", but their best bet would be to hire me as a Bodyguard!

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from deltabuck wrote 2 years 22 weeks ago

Once again just to remind you its not all banks that are screwing america. Its the big banks that keep getting bail outs but guess what.... They don't have to pay it back. There should be consequences. Our bank is self sustaining. We just have to be careful where our loans go. I am an avid outdoorsman, and it pisses me off to no end what america is letting itself go to. Too many people trying to dip into the pot they don't belong in, or need anything from for that matter. Greed is strangling this country in every aspect. We don't have jobs because people are outsourcing. Prices on everything are rising, wages aren't keeping up, and most that are able to work are too lazy to get a job. Yeah it may be minimum wage, but that earns a heck of alot more than unemployment pay. The government has conditioned us to be as lazy, cheap, and underhanded as possible. It scares me to think of the future, what it will be like for my kids, when and if I ever have any. I love the freedoms of this country but someone up the power chain needs to open their eyes, quit stuffing their pockets, and do what's best for our country, not their bank accounts.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Mike Plotner wrote 2 years 18 weeks ago

mossberg 500 a atomatic m-16 a ak-47 and a 2 colt 1911(:

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from apowers1031 wrote 2 years 16 weeks ago

kolbster...well said but the barret is a good gun but i like the mcmillin 50 ccal.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from apowers1031 wrote 2 years 16 weeks ago

kolbster...well said but the barret is a good gun but i like the mcmillin 50 ccal.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from AJMcClure wrote 1 year 50 weeks ago

Nothing sends a message to the have-nots like a armored humvee mounted titanium M134 Gatling gun from a wall street point of view, unfortunately there is a little bit of head showing when operating this weapon.

0 Good Comment? | | Report

Post a Comment

from Mike Diehl wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

I think the bankers should all run out and get gyrojets. They're the First Best Choice for all the 'sharpest minds on Wall Street.'

+5 Good Comment? | | Report
from The Armchair Ou... wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

A matched pair of Holland and Holland double rifles with a peon to serve as loader.

+5 Good Comment? | | Report
from 82BUCKEYETOM wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

I agree with Mike Diehl those Gyrojets were as accurate as a banker is a warm caring human being. I find it laughable that bankers and their friends, the economists and credit rating companies would worry about a populist uprising against their greed. If they deserved the bonuses they were taking,if they actually created more jobs and made more opportunity for everyday Americans, what would they have to worry about?
What I would pay to see is one of those financial gurus stand up and say, "you know what, I don't deserve this obscene bonus, I'm going to donate it ALL to a local hospice or homeless shelter" That will be the day.

Wow that was a lot to say about bankers with guns

+4 Good Comment? | | Report
from RJ Arena wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

There is nothing like a nice side by side to show equality between the masses.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from thuroy wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

something nickel plated and engraved.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from Walt Smith wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

If a pissed off mob really wants to do you harm there isn't much you can do about it. Owning a firearm is one thing, knowing how to use it is another.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from deltabuck wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

something automatic. As a banker myself, i would love for someone to test my gun handling skills, but most of the people I work with would cringe at the sight of a gun. So I recommend an automatic, just point and click and throw the most lead for increased odds of actually hitting something. Can you say AK-47?!?!

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from kolbster wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

how about a Desert Eagle for the pistol
a Benelli m4 for the shotgun
a H&K G3 for the automatic rifle
and a Barret 50 cal for the sniper rifle

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from huntnow wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

my money says that they are gold plated, small calibers. something tells me that 007 might be emulated by this crowd and i doubt many of them could shoot like bond. anyway, no matter how much any of us have or don't have, we all have the right to protect ourselves.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from coho310 wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

I think they should put this forward, there would be some interesting news headlines("Banker takes robber hostage"). I also think a good weapons choice is the good old Uzi. It's compact, powerful and dang scary, but the permits would cost probably hlf as much as the gun itself does.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from fliphuntr14 wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

Im not going to lie im stereo typing when i say its going to be eccentric and most likely small with some sort of expensive engraving... it most likely wont be american made because reinvesting in the peoples prouducts that made them rich they pay more for often less quility... just my personal opinion...

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from Ruckweiler wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

When you have the Government of the United States demonizing your business, these people are concerned and rightly so. However, when Greed is mentioned, the Wall Street crowd are rank amateurs compared with the Federal government. Maybe the Federal workforce should be the ones arming themselves, instead. Would suggest that one and all remember that Divide and Conquer are the meat and potatoes of tyrants. Personally, I'd purchase a .357.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from Zyounghunter wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

what every one has said is fine and dandy,but you got to admit Monty Python is top notch satire!!!

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from Mike Diehl wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

No worries. The populists have nothing to fear. If the sharpest minds at Goldman Sachs are as talented with their pistols as they are at banking, they couldn't hit the inside of a bank vault if they were locked inside it.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from jjas wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

I wonder if TARP money was used to buy the guns?

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from rabbitpolice88 wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

some custom European made gun that has a price tag of $15000.

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from rabbitpolice88 wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

Actually I am shocked they haven't hired personal body guards from Black Water.

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from Bella wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

Does Taurus make a gold plated, diamond encrusted Judge?
Normally Corporatist scum seem to want the consuming underclass peons disarmed. Now that the paranoia has come, I doubt they have changed their minds on this point. Still it is again hyppocritical for them to purchase guns and fund the Brady Bunch.
I'm glad the banker bozos are getting nervous, maybe they have some inkling of the harm they have done the rest of us, with their greed and elitism.
Put your money in Credit Unions! Dump the banks!

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from buckhunter wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

I deal with bankers everyday. I guarantee you they paid too much money for their guns.

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from Bordetella wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

Sounds like more flatulence from a conservative inbreeder.

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from Jere Smith wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

.45 ACP, (Got one) 4 .357 Mag (got em) Buckmark .22 (Got one) 4 12Ga (Got em) 1 16 ga (Got it) 1 30/06 (Got it) 1 375 H&H(got it.

Barrett .50 BMG on my WISH list ;)

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from Clay Cooper wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

Now days,

WHO"S ROBBING WHO!

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from cTXn wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

If I had the money I'd just pay R. Lee Ermey to fend off any mobs coming my direction. That man is more bad@$$ than any weapon on the market.

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from Jim in Mo wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

Chad, you SOB thanks for outing me as one of the millionaires on this site. LOL
I don't know if you were serious about your post but if so I don't know how a banker could carry a serious handgun. Could dress pants support a .40? Hell, nowadays could they support a 9 or 380? Sig has a new .380 out that weighs the same as my .40 SW (23oz) and it's a tad bigger. I guess they would need a shoulder rig -which to me are very comfortable to wear- and keep their jacket buttoned.

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from BeardogRed wrote 2 years 24 weeks ago

I am not one of the "proletarian schadenfreude", but their best bet would be to hire me as a Bodyguard!

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from deltabuck wrote 2 years 22 weeks ago

Once again just to remind you its not all banks that are screwing america. Its the big banks that keep getting bail outs but guess what.... They don't have to pay it back. There should be consequences. Our bank is self sustaining. We just have to be careful where our loans go. I am an avid outdoorsman, and it pisses me off to no end what america is letting itself go to. Too many people trying to dip into the pot they don't belong in, or need anything from for that matter. Greed is strangling this country in every aspect. We don't have jobs because people are outsourcing. Prices on everything are rising, wages aren't keeping up, and most that are able to work are too lazy to get a job. Yeah it may be minimum wage, but that earns a heck of alot more than unemployment pay. The government has conditioned us to be as lazy, cheap, and underhanded as possible. It scares me to think of the future, what it will be like for my kids, when and if I ever have any. I love the freedoms of this country but someone up the power chain needs to open their eyes, quit stuffing their pockets, and do what's best for our country, not their bank accounts.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Mike Plotner wrote 2 years 18 weeks ago

mossberg 500 a atomatic m-16 a ak-47 and a 2 colt 1911(:

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from apowers1031 wrote 2 years 16 weeks ago

kolbster...well said but the barret is a good gun but i like the mcmillin 50 ccal.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from apowers1031 wrote 2 years 16 weeks ago

kolbster...well said but the barret is a good gun but i like the mcmillin 50 ccal.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from AJMcClure wrote 1 year 50 weeks ago

Nothing sends a message to the have-nots like a armored humvee mounted titanium M134 Gatling gun from a wall street point of view, unfortunately there is a little bit of head showing when operating this weapon.

0 Good Comment? | | Report

Post a Comment

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