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Bass Fishing

Post-um: Best Jokes Ever

Uploaded on February 10, 2010

Just for whoever wants to post a joke for the rest of us to enjoy.

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from Sterling A wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

Rules.
1. No F words. $hit or (rap may be used.

2. No racist ones.

3. Make sure its funny.

4. You can get them off of the internet or give them out of your head.

5. Try to stay on the subject about the outdoors.

Go ahead and give it a shot.

+4 Good Comment? | | Report
from 007 wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

George Bush, Maggie Thatcher, and Vladimir Putin all passed away and found themselves in Hell. During the tour, they noticed a red telephone. "Oh, that's for calling back to the Earth", said satan. Putin called Moscow and talked for a couple of minutes and the charge was $5000. Thatcher called London and talked for a couple of minutes and again, a $5000 charge. Bush called Texas and talked for four hours and there was no charge. When the other two questioned this, satan replied "With the way that Obama has taken America to hell in a handbasket, it's now a local call." How's that?

+16 Good Comment? | | Report
from rabbitpolice88 wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

A husband wanted to take his wife deer hunting so they could spend more time together. He went out and bought her all the newest camo,the best rifle and a comfortable tree stand. Finally the morning of the big hunt came, he helped her set up her tree stand and told her good luck and that he would be within ear shot. Well he went off to his hunting stand started praying that the good Lord would let his wife kill a deer. After about an hour he heard his wife's gun report from down the way. He was so excited he couldn't hardly wait to go and be with his wife for the big moment! He started walking towards his wife's stand getting more excited as he got closer. Just before her stand came in view he heard shouting, and then he heard, " ok lady OK it's your deer, just let me get the saddle off"

+8 Good Comment? | | Report
from Hobob wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

The chicken crossed the road to show the possums it could be done.

+5 Good Comment? | | Report
from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
And begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. (My wife really liked this one.)

+23 Good Comment? | | Report
from bamaoutdoorsman93 wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

Nice one dakota!

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from rabbitpolice88 wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

We've got a couple Obama lovers on our hands.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from cas0905 wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

Two blondes are hunting in the woods when they come across some tracks.
Blonde 1:"those are deer tracks"
Blonde 2:"no those are moose tracks"
Blonde 1:"deer tracks"
Blonde 2:"Moose tracks"
they continue arguing so long the train hits them both.

+14 Good Comment? | | Report
from mr.grouse wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

i heard bill clinton had a great game room in the white house , he mounted hundreds of women from around the world.

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from cas0905 wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

sorry to post twice but i just thought of one........peta

+6 Good Comment? | | Report
from NyBigGameHunter wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

+5 Good Comment? | | Report
from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He screeches to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, followed by a deafening gunshot blast.

“Ok,” the hunter says. “Now what?”

+7 Good Comment? | | Report
from Seamus wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

A grumpy, overbearing office manager once had to spend a couple
of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses,
bossing them around just like he did his employees. None of the
hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head
nurse was the only one who would stand up to him.

She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature."

After complaining for a few minutes he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse said, "For this reading, I can't use
an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he
rolled over and bared his behind. After inserting the
thermometer, she said, "Now, I have to go get something. You stay
just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and the man
cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door
snickering. After quite some time had passed, a doctor walked
into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? haven't you
ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes... but never with a
DAFFODIL!"

+5 Good Comment? | | Report
from Sourdough Dave wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

Two Minnesota dairy farmers are talking,
#1 " I dunno about dis ere new cow, I go to milk 'er, every time I grab a tit she farts."
#2 " Oh, Ya, dats a Norda Kota cow doncha know"
#1 "Ya sure she is, how ja know?"
#2 "My wife's from Norda Kota"

+10 Good Comment? | | Report
from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

Hey, South Dakota is one windy state. We always figured it was because Minnesota sucks and Wyoming blows.

+4 Good Comment? | | Report
from country road wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

Thank you, Sourdough Dave---I'm going to change that one around a little and use it to enormous benefit.

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from 007 wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

Seeing the Clinton joke above, I just couldn't resist this. It seems Bill was seen out in public with a pair of ladies' panties wrapped around his arm. When asked what that was all about, he said "Oh, that's the patch, I'm trying to quit".

+3 Good Comment? | | Report
from Dcast wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

A baby seal walked into a club!

+4 Good Comment? | | Report
from finnyk wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and Yves St Laurent tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?' The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, Connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation sy stem to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, w hy not?'

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says the cowboy.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing was required!' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you and you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing abo ut cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now, give me back my dog!'

+24 Good Comment? | | Report
from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

finnyk, great joke. Many plusses to you.

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from bobcat.trapper.95 wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

there was a farmer and a french man and the french man worked for the farmer for food..when they cut cows they had 'cow fries' next day french man asked farmer what are we doing?we cuttn pigs so we eatn pig fries..nxt day we cuttn horses so we eatn horse fries..next day he asks him and what are we doing..today we are digging potatoes so we are eat french fries tonight..french man ran away never to be seen again.

+5 Good Comment? | | Report
from sgaredneck wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

+14 Good Comment? | | Report
from WA Mtnhunter wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

'neck, that's a good one. Must have been Clay or Blackmutt's Alaskan Adventure! LMAO

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from matt wasson wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

two guys sitting at a bar drinking and the one says to the other
ya know I hear Elks ahve sex 12 to 15 times a day!
the other guy says...

dang it, I just joined the legion!

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from chongo70 wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Why did Minnesota buy Iowa? They needed a new zoo

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from chongo70 wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Ole' went to Sven's house and noticed Sven had a sign in the yard sayin' "Boat fer sale." Seein' he'd known ol' Sven all his life Ole' rushed into the house and says to Sven "Hey Sven I didn't know ya had a boat all deez years? Why ya sellin' it? Lets go fishin." Sven replies "Ole' ur loosin' it. Whatcha talkin 'boot, I ain't got no boat." Ole' says "Well ya! Ya got dat sign in da yard dat says 'Boat fer sale!'" "Oh" says Sven "Dat sign! That aint fer no boat, ya see dat hay bailer and da hay wagon?" "Well ya, ya always had dose" replies Ole' Sven says "Well dere boat fer sale!"

+4 Good Comment? | | Report
from grant2 wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

ther was a man duck hunting.he went in the morning when it was still dark. just when the sun came up there was ducks everywhere.he's just fixing to shoot one when a man comes out of nowhere and said don't shoot my decoys!

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from TFrymyer31 wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
DAM!!

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

micneador - Keep looking for something funny. I flagged your last attempt as inappropriate and offensive.

+7 Good Comment? | | Report
from Ontario Honker ... wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Thanks, Dakota. Parents of special needs kids (or in my case, a parent of recently deceased special need kid) don't appreciate that "retard" crap.

+10 Good Comment? | | Report
from WA Mtnhunter wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are two lessons for us all here:

Don't waste ammunition.
Don't mess with old people.

+14 Good Comment? | | Report
from JOHN ANDERSON wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Now thats a good one!!WAMthunter.

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from Del in KS wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Speaking German in Texas

Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking
population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from
his pond with his hand.

The farmer shouted: 'Trink das wasser nicht, die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen..' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have s*** in
it..')

The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan, I can't understand you.

Please speak in English.'

The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

+17 Good Comment? | | Report
from WA Mtnhunter wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Good one Del!

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Del's joke reminded me of my favorite one from the last election:

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from Alex Pernice th... wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the
courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room
fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the
last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the
professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The
other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid $hit and act like an a$$hole.

.............So, He sent me."

+33 Good Comment? | | Report
from WA Mtnhunter wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

OOOHHH RAAHH!

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from rabbitpolice88 wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

One of the best jokes I've ever heard.

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from Alex Pernice th... wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Haha, thanks guys.

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from Carney wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

"Funny" is an "F" word.

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from finnyk wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . . On any land. No
questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA
officer running for his life chased by one of the big wild boars on the ranch . . . . . .

With every step the boar is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . .

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

+16 Good Comment? | | Report
from seneca_slabs wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

HAHAHA all of these are pretty good!

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from Dcast wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Wait for it...

Unique up on it!!!

Booooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from country road wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way----
Unique up on it.

Grooooaaann!

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from bigfishguy wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

ditto

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from bigfishguy wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

so theres a blonde and a brunette. and the brunette is chanting 88...88...88. the blonde asks "what are you doing". the brunette says "i'm chanting 88...88...88. here, come try it with me." so they both start chanting 88, and the brunette tells the blonde, "it's even more fun if you stand on the rail road tracks." the blonde says ok. she chants 88...88..BOOM! a train hits her and she dies. the brunette starts chanting 89...89...89.

do-doot... ching!

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from bigfishguy wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

+13 Good Comment? | | Report
from BuckMaster4 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

There was a blonde a brunnete and a red head there was a rock that granted wishes the brunnete said i want to be a bird to get accross the cliff then the red head came up and said plane and she crossed the cliff then the blonde came up and tripped on the rock and said $hit and you know what happens next.

0 Good Comment? | | Report
from J4huntfish wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

this isn't a outdoor related jokes
1.whats in between an old lady boobs, her belly button
2.how did bill Clinton practice safe sex, he didn't light the cigar

-3 Good Comment? | | Report
from Del in KS wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bull wins.

+7 Good Comment? | | Report
from Del in KS wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house had been burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."

+2 Good Comment? | | Report
from Del in KS wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head...
> In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful
to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
>
> The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."
>
> The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
>
> The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
>
> The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
>

+9 Good Comment? | | Report
from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first redneck says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you." After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do. The redneck answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Alex Pernice th...,
That's a good one..

WA Mtnhunter,
OOOHHH RAAHH! indeed...
Semper Fi for the marine!!!

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I don't know how about you but I'm going to start nibbling grass."

+1 Good Comment? | | Report
from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood- curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. "What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief. "Forget the d**n lion!" he howled. "Which one of you id**ts let the bull loose?"

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two Virginia boys, Sonny and Rick, went out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the bushes and, by mistake, shot his friend. After trying to remove the bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor. Two hours later, after the physician had patched up the wounded hunter, Sonny asked, "Please, Doc. How's my friend?" "Well," answered the M.D., "he'd be a lot better off if you hadn't taken out his gut!"

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in the morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she was pointing her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was telling her, Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want to take my saddle off of him!

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

One morning, a father and his young son were in the forest hunting rabbits. After about an hour, they finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"
The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple." So the kid grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk! They taste like s---."
The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Three rednecks appeared on a Quiz show - Jim-bob, Bubba and Hank.
Somehow they made it to the final question worth $50,000. The TV host said to Jim-Bob, "I will sing a song, leave 1 word out. You must say the word and spell it ...Here it is - Old McDonald had a ....?
Jim-bob answers, "Cow, I spell it - C-O-W."
The host says, "You spelled cow right, but that ain't the right word."
"Ok Bubba, now your turn", says the Quiz master, "Old MacDonald had a ...?"
Bubba answers, "Pig and I spell it P-I-G."
The host grimaces, "Well, again like Jim-bob, you spelled it right, but it wasn't the answer I'm looking for."
"Well Hank, for the 50,000 dollar question, Old McDonald had a ?"
Hank yells out "Farm!"
The TV host gets excited and says, "Excellent Hank, now please spell it."
Hank answers - "E-I-E-I-O"!!!

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

There’s a Mexican, an Italian, and a Redneck working on the top of a building for a construction company. During their lunch break, the Mexican opens up his lunch and finds tacos inside (which he gets every day). He says, “If my wife gives me tacos for lunch one more time, I’m going to jump off this building.” Then, the Italian opens his lunch and finds lasagna inside (which he gets everyday). He says, “If my wife gives me lasagna for lunch one more time, I’m going to kill myself.” Then, the Redneck opens his lunch and finds a bologna sandwich inside (which he gets everyday). He says, “If I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch one more time, I’m going to jump off this building.” Well, the next day for lunch, the Mexican gets tacos, the Italian gets lasagna, and the Redneck gets a bologna sandwich. They all jump off the roof. At their funerals, the Mexican’s wife says, “O, why didn’t he tell me he didn’t want tacos. I wouldn’t have made them.” The Italian’s wife says “O, why didn’t he tell me he didn’t want lasagna. I wouldn’t have made it.” Then, everybody turns to look at the Redneck’s wife. She says, “Hey, don’t look at me!! He fixed his own lunch!!”

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from abiddle013 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two blonds are walking on opposite sides of a river. One cries out to the other. "Excuse me! Can you tell me how to get to the other side of the river?". The other quickly replies, "Silly, you're already there!"

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from abiddle013 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A man is dove hunting when he shoots a bird and it falls on the neighboring farm. The man starts to go for his bird when the owner of the farm pulls up on a tractor. The hunter says to the farmer, "Excuse me, my bird fell over into your field. I need to come over and get it."
The farmer replies, "I don't think so. This bird is on my land. It belongs to me."
Although shocked by the farmer's reaction, the hunter does not want to give up his bird. He says to him, "No, I shot that bird and it is mine."
The farmer, now agitated, says, "Okay, pardner... If you want this bird we'll play a game for it."
"We each get to kick each other in the a$$ 3 times. Whoever can't take the 3 kicks loses."
The hunter reluctantly agrees to this. The farmer says that he will go first. He takes a couple of steps back and delivers a swift kick to the hunters hind parts. The hunter whimpers a little, but takes it. The second kick is even harder and more painful, but again, the hunter takes it. The third kick however, is seemingly unbearable. The hunter, still not wanting to lose his bird, turns to the farmer, "Okay, now its my turn."

The farmer replies, "No, thats okay. You can have the bird."

Hope I didn't butcher that one too much. I couldn't quite remember it exactly.

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from Happy Myles wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A chap goes into a sporting goods store and asks the clerk what the "in sport" was these days. The clerk assures him hang gliding is the only way to go. The fellow immediately buys the top of the line model with chrome struts and a powder blue jumpsuit or himself. Journeys to the top of a local ridge, and launches into the air in all his splendor. Down below a couple of hill billies are finishing a run of shine at their still hidden in the woods. One says "looky thar that is the biggest bird I ever see'd". The other picks up his twice barreled 12 gauge and blazes away, the hang glider lurches out of sight. The first fellow, puzzled says "I woulda sworn you hit that bird". The second moonshiner exclaims " I know I hit that bird, didn't you see how fast it dropped that guy in the funny looking blue suit!"

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from 99explorer wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two hikers come upon a huge bear facing them along the trail. One of the hikers sits down and starts putting on a pair of sneakers. The other hiker says, "It's no use. You are not going to outrun that bear." The first hiker replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!"

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from Sourdough Dave wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A tenderfoot shows up in the Klondike and is trying very hard to fit in when a grizzled old timer says to him, "Sonny, if you're gonna make it up here you gotta do three things to prove yourself. Take this knife and survive the winter on your own, make love to a native woman, and kill a grizzly bear." The guy takes the knife and leaves. The old timers soon forget about him. Next spring the tenderfoot shows up with his clothes all torn, cut up and bleeding and says, "OK, so where is that native woman you want killed"

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.
Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?"
The Guy: "Yeah, I'm really depressed"
Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?"
The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend"
Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?"
The Guy: "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over"
Bartender: "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?"
The Guy: "I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"...

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A man was out duck hunting when a cop came drove by and asked him for his ID.
Okay said the hunter.
The cop then grabbed one of the ducks, stuck his finger up the ducks butt, and asked him if he had a liscence to own a California duck.
The man showed him the liscence.
The cop took another ducks butt and shoved his finger up to it. He asked the hunter if he had a liscence to hunt Florida duck.
The man showed him his liscence.
The cop finally took the last duck, shoved his finger up the duck's butt and asked him if he had a liscence to hunt Louisiana duck.
The man showed him the liscence.
The cop calmed down and started to relax. "So, where u from?" the cop asked.
The man bent over. "You tell me," he said!!!

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from Del in KS wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Got this one from WAM

Finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while
I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in
his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't
bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the
head, took the frog and put it
in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake
without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in
its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him
into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the
frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same damn
snake with two frogs in his mouth.

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from Christian Emter wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

They took the gold medal away from the downhill skier Lindsey Vaughn and gave it to Obama because he is going downhill faster than she is.

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub, and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers and one went to America and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then one day the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all...."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

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from Alex Pernice th... wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a femaleLieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise).

The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked.

The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."

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from Alex Pernice th... wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

There was a brief meeting of several Generals and an Admiral. The Air Force General said, "I think I have finally found a way to show you true guts. "Airman, come here!"

The airman trotted over and came to attention with a brisk, "Yes, sir?"

The Air force General said, "Airman, climb to the top of that flag pole".

"Yes, Sir", came the quick response and up the pole he went.

When the airman reached the top, the General told him to jump. The airman shouted, "Yes, Sir", and dropped to his death.

The General turned to his peers and said, "now that is guts."

The Army General did the same and the Admiral did too, with the same results as the Air Force poor airman. The Marine General told them they were all full of Crap and called a Marine Private over. "Private, climb that flag pole!"

"Sir, yes, Sir!" was the quick response and up the pole he went. The Marine General than told him to jump. The Marine Privates response was, "Sir, no, Sir!". The General than turned to his peers and said, "now that's guts."

Though you might like this one, if you haven't heard it yet

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from Alex Pernice th... wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

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from Alex Pernice th... wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR."

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from finnyk wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it care fully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were.. or what we did; but we took first and second place .

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from Christian Emter wrote 4 years 4 weeks ago

Back in the 80's we had Ronald Reagan, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama, no Hope and no Cash.

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from Happy Myles wrote 4 years 4 weeks ago

An old hunter was shuffling homeward as evening approached. Suddenly, he hears a voice crying "help me, help me". Looking down, he spies a tiny frog. The frog exclaims "I am a beautiful princess enchanted by a wicked witch, the only way to break this spell is if you kiss me. If you do so, I will make you rich and lavish sexual experiences beyond dreams." The ancient nimrod picks up the frog and sticks it in his coat pocket an limps forward on his homeward path. The frog sticks it's head out and says " aren't you going to kiss me?" He replies " I am thinking about it, but at my age it might be easier and more fun to have a talking frog. "

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from Christian Emter wrote 4 years 4 weeks ago

There are three guys in an airplane. They are about to land at the airport and they all decide to do something before they land. Th first guy throws an apple out, the second guy throws an orange out and the third guy throws a grenade out. Well they land and they are walking to their hotel and they come along a girl crying. The first guy asks whats wrong. The girl said an apple came out of the sky and hit me on the head. So they continue walking and come along another girl crying and the second guy asks whats wrong and the girls says an orange came out of the sky and hit me on the head. SO they continue to their hotel where they come along another girl who is laughing. The third guy asks why are you crying and the girl said I farted and my house blew up.

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from Christian Emter wrote 4 years 4 weeks ago

Thre are three guys in a plane that is about to crash. They all decide to take something along so when they crash in the desert they can survive till they get to the next town. So they crash and some how survive. They all meet up with each other and ask each other what the took to survive. The first guy answers I brought water so in case we get thirsty we can drink. The second guy answers I brought a ham to that way if we get hungry we can eat. The third guy said I brought a car door. So that way if we get hot we can just roll down the window.

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from hunt and fish wrote 4 years 3 weeks ago

A guy walks into a bar...

And say ouch.

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from finnyk wrote 4 years 3 weeks ago

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in the Piedmont area of
North Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was
leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch
those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none
of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet
fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and
let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump
right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home..'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden.. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?,' says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH,' replied the warden!

'What fish?,' replied the redneck. ..............

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 3 weeks ago

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus!

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 4 days ago

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that."

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from Sterling A wrote 3 years 51 weeks ago

ha ha good one!!

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from UtaHunter wrote 3 years 45 weeks ago

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting he goes killing. The word hunting indicates that you might come back empty handed.

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from bigfishguy wrote 3 years 44 weeks ago

So a guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar that says "guess how much money is in this jar. get it right and you win the money, get it wrong and put in ten $." the man goes to the bartender, and says " there are $570 in the jar." the bartender says "yes, how did you know?" and the man replys:

"i work for the IRS, it's my job to take your money.

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from huntfishkid wrote 3 years 44 weeks ago

Strange Lincoln - Obama Coincidences

1) Lincoln was elected in 1860, Obama was elected in 2008, nearly 150 years later.

2) Lincoln eliminated involuntary servitude. Obama eliminated private sector jobs.

3) Lincoln and Obama were both married to ugly wives who went crazy.

4) Each man's wife gained over forty pounds while living at the White House.

5) Lincoln was hit in the head from behind. Obama hid his head up his behind.

6) Lincoln was shot in Ford's Theater. Obama shot up while riding in a Lincoln made by Ford.

7) Both men had vice-presidents who were illiterate Democrat senators.

8) Andrew Johnson nearly lived to the age of 67. Joe Biden nearly had an IQ of 67.

9) Lincoln was born in KENtucky, Obama was born in KENya - before both moved to Illinois.

10) LincOln and Obama each had a single letter "O" in their last name.

11) Andrew Johnson had no middle name. Joseph Robinette Biden had a silly one.

12) JOHN W. BOOTH and BILL C. AYERS each has 10 letters.

13) A Kennedy told Lincoln to take care of his health. Ted Kennedy told Obama to pass health care.

14) Lincoln and Obama were both more feminine than Hillary Clinton.

15) Lincoln was placed on the penny. Obama was not quite worth a penny.

16) Lincoln was not a Muslim. Obama was not an admitted Muslim.

17) Neither Lincoln nor Obama ever wrote a book.

18) Lincoln suffered from major depression. Obama caused a major depression.

19) Lincoln and Obama were both the first President with a beard.

20) Abraham Lincoln had no middle name. You're not allowed to say Barack Obama's middle name.

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from huntfishkid wrote 3 years 44 weeks ago

Military expert Barack Obama thinks that an Offensive Nuke is a dirty microwave oven.

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from huntfishkid wrote 3 years 44 weeks ago

Everyone who believes that ObamaCare will work is entitled to free psychological help.

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from Fluger wrote 3 years 44 weeks ago

I don't get why people use the "F" word for no apparent reason. Like they will be like, "pass the salt mother something." I mean like if they are mad about passing the salt then when will u know when they are truly mad!

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from UtaHunter wrote 3 years 44 weeks ago

This joke is not meant to offend anyone!

An atheist goes walking through the woods admiring nature and thinking about how everything around him evolved. Then he turns around and there is a giant grizzly charging at him...doing the first thing that came to his mind, he runs. He gets ahead of the grizzly by about ten feet, looks back, and trips over a log. The grizzly leaps on top of him and right as it brings up its' paw to slash him, He says " Please god help me." and suddenly everything freezes and god appears and says " you don't believe in me and you are asking for my help. I don't think a should help you." The Atheist says " Fair enough, I can see it from you point of view, but if you won't help me will you at least make this bear a christian?" God says " Sounds like a fair deal." so every thing starts going again and the grizzly backs off and the atheist is relived. Then the bear puts his paws together and says "Thank you dear god for this meal i am about to eat. amen"

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 3 years 24 weeks ago

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried Chicken."
She said I wasn't funny...but she couldn't have been right... because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...???

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from kansasjeff wrote 3 years 23 weeks ago

A man drives home at 2:30 in the morning. After pulling into the garage he grabs a paper grocery bag off of the passenger seat. Out of the bag he takes a bottle of cheap rotgut whiskey, drinks a shot and then pours half the bottle on himself. Next, He takes out a bottle of cheap perfume and sprays himself all over. Next he takes out a tube of hot pink lipstick ans smears some on his cheek and collar. Finally he unzips his fly ans staggers into the house only to see his wife sitting on the couch starring daggers at him.

"Nice try buster" she says "I know you went fishing with your buddies after work AGAIN!!!"

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from lawman328 wrote 3 years 23 weeks ago

My two sons went hunting the other day and got lost.
The younger one said that Dad always said that if you get lost fire three shots and someone will come rescue you.
So the older fired three shots, they waited awhile and knowbody showed so he fired three more shots, they waited and waited and the younger of the two getting worried said it's starting to get dark fire three more shots.....
The older said I can't i'm out of arrows!

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from minnow hunter wrote 2 years 47 weeks ago

Why did the ocean roar......You would to if you had crabs on your bottom.

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from ableskeever wrote 2 years 46 weeks ago

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice and line it with peas... When he comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

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from ableskeever wrote 2 years 46 weeks ago

What do you name a dog with steel b@lls and no back legs?

Sparky

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from davycrockettfv wrote 2 years 46 weeks ago

Bill and Dan were deer hunting in a remote area of the Rockies. On the third day Bill shot a great buck. As they were field dressing the deer Bill noticed Dan had a look of extreme discomfort. After asking him what was wrong Dan replied, "We've been here three days and I haven't taken a crap the entire time. Every time I go I get scared a bear or mountain lion will eat me and that's not the way I want to die!" After some persuasion, Bill manages to convince Dan he'll be fine if he takes his rifle. So Dan staggers into the bushes to finally relieve himself. A few minutes later, Bill gets a crazy idea. He scoops up the deer intestines, sneaks up behind Dan while he's squatting, and carefully and quietly pushes them underneath Dan's exposed buttocks. Bill then returns to the deer to resume his work. 20 minutes later Dan walks back looking in even more pain than when he left. His face is white, and he looks terrified. Bill, laughing to himself, asks Dan what happened. Dan replied, "I just litterally pooped my guts out. Literally. But with God's help and a long stick, I think I got 'em all back in there."

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from MATroutslayer wrote 2 years 46 weeks ago

Dave, Bob, Mack and Bubba went deer hunting at a small camp with only two bedrooms. Everyone knew that Bubba snored like nobodys business, so they decided they would each take turns sharing a room with him.
The first morning, Dave came to breakfast with bloodshot eyes and couldn't stop yawning. "How'd ya sleep?" He replied"Terrible!!! I didn't sleep one wink. I just sat up all night watching Bubba snore..."
The second morning, it was Bob that shared the room with Bubba, and he showed up to breakfast with the same bloodshot eyes and yawns that Dave had the previous morning.
"How'd ya sleep?" The other men asked. "Terrible! I didn't sleep for a minute!!! All I could do was sit up in awe that someone can snore that loud!!!" They went hunting for the day and returned at sundown.
Now it was Macks turn to share the room with Bubba. They went to bed, and the next morning Mack arrives at the breakfast table, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd ya sleep?" the other men asked. "Great!!!" Mack replied.
"What? How?" the others implied.
Mack responded "When we went in to bed, I tucked Bubba in, kissed him on the forehead and said 'Goodnight Sweetheart'. Bubba sat up all night watching ME.

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from country road wrote 2 years 44 weeks ago

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, lying on the floor?
Matt

What do you call the same guy floating in the ocean"
Bob

Same guy hanging on the wall?
Art

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from MATroutslayer wrote 2 years 43 weeks ago

country road- Same guy lying next to a hole?
Doug
Same guy lying in the hole?
Phil

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from steve182 wrote 2 years 43 weeks ago

...in a pile of leaves?...russel

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from MATroutslayer wrote 2 years 43 weeks ago

HAAAAA!!!! Russell! That's new to me!

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from MATroutslayer wrote 2 years 43 weeks ago

HAAAAA!!!! Russell! That's new to me!

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from iron giant wrote 2 years 40 weeks ago

You know you're in West Virgina, when you call up the front desk of the Motel, and tell them, "I've got a leak in my sink," and you get the response, "Well go ahead."

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from jpneely wrote 2 years 37 weeks ago

rope walks into a bar.
bartender say we don't serve your kind here.
rope leaves, ties him self into a bowline, and frays his ends all up walks back in.
bartender says aren't you that rope that was just here?
rope say...... nope, I'm afraid not.

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from ethan_3 wrote 2 years 37 weeks ago

Morning: 1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings. 2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed. 2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup. 3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods. 3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun. 3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent. 4:30 AM: Head for the woods. 6:05 AM: See eight deer. 6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 AM: CLICK. 6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill. 8:00 AM: Head back to camp. 9:00 AM: Still looking for camp. 10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

Afternoon: Fire gun for help---eat wild berries. 2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back. 2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach. 2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries. 2:45 PM: Rescued. 2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead. 3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp. 3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer. 4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets. 4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

Evening: 5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you. 6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing. 6:01 PM: Load gun. 6:02 PM: Fire gun. 6:03 PM: One dead pickup. 6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer. 6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners. 6:07 PM: Fall into fire. 6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire. 6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp. 6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block. 6:26 PM: Start walking. 6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud. 6:35 PM: Meet bear. 6:36 PM: Take aim. 6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud. 6:38 PM: Mess pants. 6:39 PM: Climb tree. 11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces

got this one in a text

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from Scott Cooper wrote 2 years 37 weeks ago

3 guys go out fishing and they hall in fish after fish,a game warden stops to watch and the guys dont brake a sweat,the game warden gets a little closer and nothing happens, now he stands beside all 3 and not a sighn of fear from any.so he askes the first man "how many fish you cought?" the man thinks about it for a minute and says "1away from my limit" "ok says the gw and turns to the second man. "and how many are yours"? 1 away from my limit sir" so he turns to the third and says "what about you?" "hell" yells the man "if you was doing your math ,ya would no the rest is mine.

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from drc wrote 2 years 33 weeks ago

Little boy is setting along a creek bank fishing when a man rides up on a horse. The man is waring new boots and has a new saddle on his horse. He asks the little boy were would be a good place to cross and not get his boots and saddle wet?Little boy points down stream and says wright there is a shallow place.Man rides to that spot and starts to cross.Man and horse both go completely under water.They finaly make out to the other side man and horse are soaked.Man yells back to little boy I thought you said that was a shallow spot.Little boy yells back I don't under stand it I saw a little duck cross there earlyer and his legs weren't 3" long.

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from Alex Pernice th... wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the
courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room
fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the
last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the
professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The
other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid $hit and act like an a$$hole.

.............So, He sent me."

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from finnyk wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and Yves St Laurent tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?' The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, Connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation sy stem to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, w hy not?'

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says the cowboy.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing was required!' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you and you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing abo ut cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now, give me back my dog!'

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
And begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. (My wife really liked this one.)

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from Del in KS wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Speaking German in Texas

Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking
population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from
his pond with his hand.

The farmer shouted: 'Trink das wasser nicht, die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen..' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have s*** in
it..')

The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan, I can't understand you.

Please speak in English.'

The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

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from 007 wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

George Bush, Maggie Thatcher, and Vladimir Putin all passed away and found themselves in Hell. During the tour, they noticed a red telephone. "Oh, that's for calling back to the Earth", said satan. Putin called Moscow and talked for a couple of minutes and the charge was $5000. Thatcher called London and talked for a couple of minutes and again, a $5000 charge. Bush called Texas and talked for four hours and there was no charge. When the other two questioned this, satan replied "With the way that Obama has taken America to hell in a handbasket, it's now a local call." How's that?

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from finnyk wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . . On any land. No
questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA
officer running for his life chased by one of the big wild boars on the ranch . . . . . .

With every step the boar is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . .

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

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from cas0905 wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

Two blondes are hunting in the woods when they come across some tracks.
Blonde 1:"those are deer tracks"
Blonde 2:"no those are moose tracks"
Blonde 1:"deer tracks"
Blonde 2:"Moose tracks"
they continue arguing so long the train hits them both.

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from sgaredneck wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

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from WA Mtnhunter wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are two lessons for us all here:

Don't waste ammunition.
Don't mess with old people.

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from bigfishguy wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

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from Sourdough Dave wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

Two Minnesota dairy farmers are talking,
#1 " I dunno about dis ere new cow, I go to milk 'er, every time I grab a tit she farts."
#2 " Oh, Ya, dats a Norda Kota cow doncha know"
#1 "Ya sure she is, how ja know?"
#2 "My wife's from Norda Kota"

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from Ontario Honker ... wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Thanks, Dakota. Parents of special needs kids (or in my case, a parent of recently deceased special need kid) don't appreciate that "retard" crap.

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from Del in KS wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head...
> In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful
to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
>
> The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."
>
> The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
>
> The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
>
> The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
>

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from rabbitpolice88 wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

A husband wanted to take his wife deer hunting so they could spend more time together. He went out and bought her all the newest camo,the best rifle and a comfortable tree stand. Finally the morning of the big hunt came, he helped her set up her tree stand and told her good luck and that he would be within ear shot. Well he went off to his hunting stand started praying that the good Lord would let his wife kill a deer. After about an hour he heard his wife's gun report from down the way. He was so excited he couldn't hardly wait to go and be with his wife for the big moment! He started walking towards his wife's stand getting more excited as he got closer. Just before her stand came in view he heard shouting, and then he heard, " ok lady OK it's your deer, just let me get the saddle off"

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He screeches to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, followed by a deafening gunshot blast.

“Ok,” the hunter says. “Now what?”

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

micneador - Keep looking for something funny. I flagged your last attempt as inappropriate and offensive.

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from Del in KS wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bull wins.

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from Alex Pernice th... wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a femaleLieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise).

The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked.

The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."

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from cas0905 wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

sorry to post twice but i just thought of one........peta

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from Alex Pernice th... wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

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from Hobob wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

The chicken crossed the road to show the possums it could be done.

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from NyBigGameHunter wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

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from Seamus wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

A grumpy, overbearing office manager once had to spend a couple
of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses,
bossing them around just like he did his employees. None of the
hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head
nurse was the only one who would stand up to him.

She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature."

After complaining for a few minutes he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse said, "For this reading, I can't use
an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he
rolled over and bared his behind. After inserting the
thermometer, she said, "Now, I have to go get something. You stay
just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and the man
cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door
snickering. After quite some time had passed, a doctor walked
into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? haven't you
ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replied, "Yes... but never with a
DAFFODIL!"

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from bobcat.trapper.95 wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

there was a farmer and a french man and the french man worked for the farmer for food..when they cut cows they had 'cow fries' next day french man asked farmer what are we doing?we cuttn pigs so we eatn pig fries..nxt day we cuttn horses so we eatn horse fries..next day he asks him and what are we doing..today we are digging potatoes so we are eat french fries tonight..french man ran away never to be seen again.

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from huntfishkid wrote 3 years 44 weeks ago

Strange Lincoln - Obama Coincidences

1) Lincoln was elected in 1860, Obama was elected in 2008, nearly 150 years later.

2) Lincoln eliminated involuntary servitude. Obama eliminated private sector jobs.

3) Lincoln and Obama were both married to ugly wives who went crazy.

4) Each man's wife gained over forty pounds while living at the White House.

5) Lincoln was hit in the head from behind. Obama hid his head up his behind.

6) Lincoln was shot in Ford's Theater. Obama shot up while riding in a Lincoln made by Ford.

7) Both men had vice-presidents who were illiterate Democrat senators.

8) Andrew Johnson nearly lived to the age of 67. Joe Biden nearly had an IQ of 67.

9) Lincoln was born in KENtucky, Obama was born in KENya - before both moved to Illinois.

10) LincOln and Obama each had a single letter "O" in their last name.

11) Andrew Johnson had no middle name. Joseph Robinette Biden had a silly one.

12) JOHN W. BOOTH and BILL C. AYERS each has 10 letters.

13) A Kennedy told Lincoln to take care of his health. Ted Kennedy told Obama to pass health care.

14) Lincoln and Obama were both more feminine than Hillary Clinton.

15) Lincoln was placed on the penny. Obama was not quite worth a penny.

16) Lincoln was not a Muslim. Obama was not an admitted Muslim.

17) Neither Lincoln nor Obama ever wrote a book.

18) Lincoln suffered from major depression. Obama caused a major depression.

19) Lincoln and Obama were both the first President with a beard.

20) Abraham Lincoln had no middle name. You're not allowed to say Barack Obama's middle name.

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from Sterling A wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

Rules.
1. No F words. $hit or (rap may be used.

2. No racist ones.

3. Make sure its funny.

4. You can get them off of the internet or give them out of your head.

5. Try to stay on the subject about the outdoors.

Go ahead and give it a shot.

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

Hey, South Dakota is one windy state. We always figured it was because Minnesota sucks and Wyoming blows.

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from Dcast wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

A baby seal walked into a club!

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from chongo70 wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Ole' went to Sven's house and noticed Sven had a sign in the yard sayin' "Boat fer sale." Seein' he'd known ol' Sven all his life Ole' rushed into the house and says to Sven "Hey Sven I didn't know ya had a boat all deez years? Why ya sellin' it? Lets go fishin." Sven replies "Ole' ur loosin' it. Whatcha talkin 'boot, I ain't got no boat." Ole' says "Well ya! Ya got dat sign in da yard dat says 'Boat fer sale!'" "Oh" says Sven "Dat sign! That aint fer no boat, ya see dat hay bailer and da hay wagon?" "Well ya, ya always had dose" replies Ole' Sven says "Well dere boat fer sale!"

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from Del in KS wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Got this one from WAM

Finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while
I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in
his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't
bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the
head, took the frog and put it
in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake
without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in
its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him
into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the
frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same damn
snake with two frogs in his mouth.

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub, and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers."

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers and one went to America and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then one day the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all...."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

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from Alex Pernice th... wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

There was a brief meeting of several Generals and an Admiral. The Air Force General said, "I think I have finally found a way to show you true guts. "Airman, come here!"

The airman trotted over and came to attention with a brisk, "Yes, sir?"

The Air force General said, "Airman, climb to the top of that flag pole".

"Yes, Sir", came the quick response and up the pole he went.

When the airman reached the top, the General told him to jump. The airman shouted, "Yes, Sir", and dropped to his death.

The General turned to his peers and said, "now that is guts."

The Army General did the same and the Admiral did too, with the same results as the Air Force poor airman. The Marine General told them they were all full of Crap and called a Marine Private over. "Private, climb that flag pole!"

"Sir, yes, Sir!" was the quick response and up the pole he went. The Marine General than told him to jump. The Marine Privates response was, "Sir, no, Sir!". The General than turned to his peers and said, "now that's guts."

Though you might like this one, if you haven't heard it yet

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from finnyk wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it care fully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were.. or what we did; but we took first and second place .

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from finnyk wrote 4 years 3 weeks ago

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in the Piedmont area of
North Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was
leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch
those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none
of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet
fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and
let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump
right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home..'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden.. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?,' says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH,' replied the warden!

'What fish?,' replied the redneck. ..............

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 4 days ago

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that."

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from mr.grouse wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

i heard bill clinton had a great game room in the white house , he mounted hundreds of women from around the world.

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from 007 wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

Seeing the Clinton joke above, I just couldn't resist this. It seems Bill was seen out in public with a pair of ladies' panties wrapped around his arm. When asked what that was all about, he said "Oh, that's the patch, I'm trying to quit".

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

There’s a Mexican, an Italian, and a Redneck working on the top of a building for a construction company. During their lunch break, the Mexican opens up his lunch and finds tacos inside (which he gets every day). He says, “If my wife gives me tacos for lunch one more time, I’m going to jump off this building.” Then, the Italian opens his lunch and finds lasagna inside (which he gets everyday). He says, “If my wife gives me lasagna for lunch one more time, I’m going to kill myself.” Then, the Redneck opens his lunch and finds a bologna sandwich inside (which he gets everyday). He says, “If I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch one more time, I’m going to jump off this building.” Well, the next day for lunch, the Mexican gets tacos, the Italian gets lasagna, and the Redneck gets a bologna sandwich. They all jump off the roof. At their funerals, the Mexican’s wife says, “O, why didn’t he tell me he didn’t want tacos. I wouldn’t have made them.” The Italian’s wife says “O, why didn’t he tell me he didn’t want lasagna. I wouldn’t have made it.” Then, everybody turns to look at the Redneck’s wife. She says, “Hey, don’t look at me!! He fixed his own lunch!!”

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from abiddle013 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two blonds are walking on opposite sides of a river. One cries out to the other. "Excuse me! Can you tell me how to get to the other side of the river?". The other quickly replies, "Silly, you're already there!"

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from Happy Myles wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A chap goes into a sporting goods store and asks the clerk what the "in sport" was these days. The clerk assures him hang gliding is the only way to go. The fellow immediately buys the top of the line model with chrome struts and a powder blue jumpsuit or himself. Journeys to the top of a local ridge, and launches into the air in all his splendor. Down below a couple of hill billies are finishing a run of shine at their still hidden in the woods. One says "looky thar that is the biggest bird I ever see'd". The other picks up his twice barreled 12 gauge and blazes away, the hang glider lurches out of sight. The first fellow, puzzled says "I woulda sworn you hit that bird". The second moonshiner exclaims " I know I hit that bird, didn't you see how fast it dropped that guy in the funny looking blue suit!"

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from Christian Emter wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

They took the gold medal away from the downhill skier Lindsey Vaughn and gave it to Obama because he is going downhill faster than she is.

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from Christian Emter wrote 4 years 4 weeks ago

There are three guys in an airplane. They are about to land at the airport and they all decide to do something before they land. Th first guy throws an apple out, the second guy throws an orange out and the third guy throws a grenade out. Well they land and they are walking to their hotel and they come along a girl crying. The first guy asks whats wrong. The girl said an apple came out of the sky and hit me on the head. So they continue walking and come along another girl crying and the second guy asks whats wrong and the girls says an orange came out of the sky and hit me on the head. SO they continue to their hotel where they come along another girl who is laughing. The third guy asks why are you crying and the girl said I farted and my house blew up.

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 3 weeks ago

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus!

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from bigfishguy wrote 3 years 44 weeks ago

So a guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar that says "guess how much money is in this jar. get it right and you win the money, get it wrong and put in ten $." the man goes to the bartender, and says " there are $570 in the jar." the bartender says "yes, how did you know?" and the man replys:

"i work for the IRS, it's my job to take your money.

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from Fluger wrote 3 years 44 weeks ago

I don't get why people use the "F" word for no apparent reason. Like they will be like, "pass the salt mother something." I mean like if they are mad about passing the salt then when will u know when they are truly mad!

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from UtaHunter wrote 3 years 44 weeks ago

This joke is not meant to offend anyone!

An atheist goes walking through the woods admiring nature and thinking about how everything around him evolved. Then he turns around and there is a giant grizzly charging at him...doing the first thing that came to his mind, he runs. He gets ahead of the grizzly by about ten feet, looks back, and trips over a log. The grizzly leaps on top of him and right as it brings up its' paw to slash him, He says " Please god help me." and suddenly everything freezes and god appears and says " you don't believe in me and you are asking for my help. I don't think a should help you." The Atheist says " Fair enough, I can see it from you point of view, but if you won't help me will you at least make this bear a christian?" God says " Sounds like a fair deal." so every thing starts going again and the grizzly backs off and the atheist is relived. Then the bear puts his paws together and says "Thank you dear god for this meal i am about to eat. amen"

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

finnyk, great joke. Many plusses to you.

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from matt wasson wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

two guys sitting at a bar drinking and the one says to the other
ya know I hear Elks ahve sex 12 to 15 times a day!
the other guy says...

dang it, I just joined the legion!

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from JOHN ANDERSON wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Now thats a good one!!WAMthunter.

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from rabbitpolice88 wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

One of the best jokes I've ever heard.

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from seneca_slabs wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

HAHAHA all of these are pretty good!

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from Dcast wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Wait for it...

Unique up on it!!!

Booooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!

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from bigfishguy wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

so theres a blonde and a brunette. and the brunette is chanting 88...88...88. the blonde asks "what are you doing". the brunette says "i'm chanting 88...88...88. here, come try it with me." so they both start chanting 88, and the brunette tells the blonde, "it's even more fun if you stand on the rail road tracks." the blonde says ok. she chants 88...88..BOOM! a train hits her and she dies. the brunette starts chanting 89...89...89.

do-doot... ching!

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from Del in KS wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house had been burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first redneck says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you." After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do. The redneck answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

One morning, a father and his young son were in the forest hunting rabbits. After about an hour, they finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"
The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple." So the kid grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk! They taste like s---."
The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."

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from abiddle013 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A man is dove hunting when he shoots a bird and it falls on the neighboring farm. The man starts to go for his bird when the owner of the farm pulls up on a tractor. The hunter says to the farmer, "Excuse me, my bird fell over into your field. I need to come over and get it."
The farmer replies, "I don't think so. This bird is on my land. It belongs to me."
Although shocked by the farmer's reaction, the hunter does not want to give up his bird. He says to him, "No, I shot that bird and it is mine."
The farmer, now agitated, says, "Okay, pardner... If you want this bird we'll play a game for it."
"We each get to kick each other in the a$$ 3 times. Whoever can't take the 3 kicks loses."
The hunter reluctantly agrees to this. The farmer says that he will go first. He takes a couple of steps back and delivers a swift kick to the hunters hind parts. The hunter whimpers a little, but takes it. The second kick is even harder and more painful, but again, the hunter takes it. The third kick however, is seemingly unbearable. The hunter, still not wanting to lose his bird, turns to the farmer, "Okay, now its my turn."

The farmer replies, "No, thats okay. You can have the bird."

Hope I didn't butcher that one too much. I couldn't quite remember it exactly.

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from 99explorer wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two hikers come upon a huge bear facing them along the trail. One of the hikers sits down and starts putting on a pair of sneakers. The other hiker says, "It's no use. You are not going to outrun that bear." The first hiker replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!"

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from Sourdough Dave wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A tenderfoot shows up in the Klondike and is trying very hard to fit in when a grizzled old timer says to him, "Sonny, if you're gonna make it up here you gotta do three things to prove yourself. Take this knife and survive the winter on your own, make love to a native woman, and kill a grizzly bear." The guy takes the knife and leaves. The old timers soon forget about him. Next spring the tenderfoot shows up with his clothes all torn, cut up and bleeding and says, "OK, so where is that native woman you want killed"

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from Christian Emter wrote 4 years 4 weeks ago

Back in the 80's we had Ronald Reagan, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama, no Hope and no Cash.

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from Happy Myles wrote 4 years 4 weeks ago

An old hunter was shuffling homeward as evening approached. Suddenly, he hears a voice crying "help me, help me". Looking down, he spies a tiny frog. The frog exclaims "I am a beautiful princess enchanted by a wicked witch, the only way to break this spell is if you kiss me. If you do so, I will make you rich and lavish sexual experiences beyond dreams." The ancient nimrod picks up the frog and sticks it in his coat pocket an limps forward on his homeward path. The frog sticks it's head out and says " aren't you going to kiss me?" He replies " I am thinking about it, but at my age it might be easier and more fun to have a talking frog. "

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 3 years 24 weeks ago

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried Chicken."
She said I wasn't funny...but she couldn't have been right... because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...???

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from kansasjeff wrote 3 years 23 weeks ago

A man drives home at 2:30 in the morning. After pulling into the garage he grabs a paper grocery bag off of the passenger seat. Out of the bag he takes a bottle of cheap rotgut whiskey, drinks a shot and then pours half the bottle on himself. Next, He takes out a bottle of cheap perfume and sprays himself all over. Next he takes out a tube of hot pink lipstick ans smears some on his cheek and collar. Finally he unzips his fly ans staggers into the house only to see his wife sitting on the couch starring daggers at him.

"Nice try buster" she says "I know you went fishing with your buddies after work AGAIN!!!"

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from ableskeever wrote 2 years 46 weeks ago

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice and line it with peas... When he comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

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from MATroutslayer wrote 2 years 46 weeks ago

Dave, Bob, Mack and Bubba went deer hunting at a small camp with only two bedrooms. Everyone knew that Bubba snored like nobodys business, so they decided they would each take turns sharing a room with him.
The first morning, Dave came to breakfast with bloodshot eyes and couldn't stop yawning. "How'd ya sleep?" He replied"Terrible!!! I didn't sleep one wink. I just sat up all night watching Bubba snore..."
The second morning, it was Bob that shared the room with Bubba, and he showed up to breakfast with the same bloodshot eyes and yawns that Dave had the previous morning.
"How'd ya sleep?" The other men asked. "Terrible! I didn't sleep for a minute!!! All I could do was sit up in awe that someone can snore that loud!!!" They went hunting for the day and returned at sundown.
Now it was Macks turn to share the room with Bubba. They went to bed, and the next morning Mack arrives at the breakfast table, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd ya sleep?" the other men asked. "Great!!!" Mack replied.
"What? How?" the others implied.
Mack responded "When we went in to bed, I tucked Bubba in, kissed him on the forehead and said 'Goodnight Sweetheart'. Bubba sat up all night watching ME.

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from Scott Cooper wrote 2 years 37 weeks ago

3 guys go out fishing and they hall in fish after fish,a game warden stops to watch and the guys dont brake a sweat,the game warden gets a little closer and nothing happens, now he stands beside all 3 and not a sighn of fear from any.so he askes the first man "how many fish you cought?" the man thinks about it for a minute and says "1away from my limit" "ok says the gw and turns to the second man. "and how many are yours"? 1 away from my limit sir" so he turns to the third and says "what about you?" "hell" yells the man "if you was doing your math ,ya would no the rest is mine.

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from bamaoutdoorsman93 wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

Nice one dakota!

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from country road wrote 4 years 9 weeks ago

Thank you, Sourdough Dave---I'm going to change that one around a little and use it to enormous benefit.

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from chongo70 wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Why did Minnesota buy Iowa? They needed a new zoo

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from grant2 wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

ther was a man duck hunting.he went in the morning when it was still dark. just when the sun came up there was ducks everywhere.he's just fixing to shoot one when a man comes out of nowhere and said don't shoot my decoys!

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from TFrymyer31 wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
DAM!!

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from Dakotah Dan wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Del's joke reminded me of my favorite one from the last election:

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.

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from WA Mtnhunter wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

OOOHHH RAAHH!

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from Alex Pernice th... wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Haha, thanks guys.

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from Carney wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

"Funny" is an "F" word.

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from country road wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way----
Unique up on it.

Grooooaaann!

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from bigfishguy wrote 4 years 7 weeks ago

ditto

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Alex Pernice th...,
That's a good one..

WA Mtnhunter,
OOOHHH RAAHH! indeed...
Semper Fi for the marine!!!

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I don't know how about you but I'm going to start nibbling grass."

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood- curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. "What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief. "Forget the d**n lion!" he howled. "Which one of you id**ts let the bull loose?"

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Three rednecks appeared on a Quiz show - Jim-bob, Bubba and Hank.
Somehow they made it to the final question worth $50,000. The TV host said to Jim-Bob, "I will sing a song, leave 1 word out. You must say the word and spell it ...Here it is - Old McDonald had a ....?
Jim-bob answers, "Cow, I spell it - C-O-W."
The host says, "You spelled cow right, but that ain't the right word."
"Ok Bubba, now your turn", says the Quiz master, "Old MacDonald had a ...?"
Bubba answers, "Pig and I spell it P-I-G."
The host grimaces, "Well, again like Jim-bob, you spelled it right, but it wasn't the answer I'm looking for."
"Well Hank, for the 50,000 dollar question, Old McDonald had a ?"
Hank yells out "Farm!"
The TV host gets excited and says, "Excellent Hank, now please spell it."
Hank answers - "E-I-E-I-O"!!!

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from Alex Pernice th... wrote 4 years 5 weeks ago

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR."

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from Sterling A wrote 3 years 51 weeks ago

ha ha good one!!

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from UtaHunter wrote 3 years 45 weeks ago

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting he goes killing. The word hunting indicates that you might come back empty handed.

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from huntfishkid wrote 3 years 44 weeks ago

Military expert Barack Obama thinks that an Offensive Nuke is a dirty microwave oven.

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from huntfishkid wrote 3 years 44 weeks ago

Everyone who believes that ObamaCare will work is entitled to free psychological help.

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from lawman328 wrote 3 years 23 weeks ago

My two sons went hunting the other day and got lost.
The younger one said that Dad always said that if you get lost fire three shots and someone will come rescue you.
So the older fired three shots, they waited awhile and knowbody showed so he fired three more shots, they waited and waited and the younger of the two getting worried said it's starting to get dark fire three more shots.....
The older said I can't i'm out of arrows!

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from drc wrote 2 years 33 weeks ago

Little boy is setting along a creek bank fishing when a man rides up on a horse. The man is waring new boots and has a new saddle on his horse. He asks the little boy were would be a good place to cross and not get his boots and saddle wet?Little boy points down stream and says wright there is a shallow place.Man rides to that spot and starts to cross.Man and horse both go completely under water.They finaly make out to the other side man and horse are soaked.Man yells back to little boy I thought you said that was a shallow spot.Little boy yells back I don't under stand it I saw a little duck cross there earlyer and his legs weren't 3" long.

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from rabbitpolice88 wrote 4 years 10 weeks ago

We've got a couple Obama lovers on our hands.

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from WA Mtnhunter wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

'neck, that's a good one. Must have been Clay or Blackmutt's Alaskan Adventure! LMAO

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from WA Mtnhunter wrote 4 years 8 weeks ago

Good one Del!

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from BuckMaster4 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

There was a blonde a brunnete and a red head there was a rock that granted wishes the brunnete said i want to be a bird to get accross the cliff then the red head came up and said plane and she crossed the cliff then the blonde came up and tripped on the rock and said $hit and you know what happens next.

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Two Virginia boys, Sonny and Rick, went out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the bushes and, by mistake, shot his friend. After trying to remove the bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor. Two hours later, after the physician had patched up the wounded hunter, Sonny asked, "Please, Doc. How's my friend?" "Well," answered the M.D., "he'd be a lot better off if you hadn't taken out his gut!"

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in the morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she was pointing her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was telling her, Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want to take my saddle off of him!

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.
Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?"
The Guy: "Yeah, I'm really depressed"
Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?"
The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend"
Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?"
The Guy: "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over"
Bartender: "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?"
The Guy: "I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"...

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from rudyglove27 wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

A man was out duck hunting when a cop came drove by and asked him for his ID.
Okay said the hunter.
The cop then grabbed one of the ducks, stuck his finger up the ducks butt, and asked him if he had a liscence to own a California duck.
The man showed him the liscence.
The cop took another ducks butt and shoved his finger up to it. He asked the hunter if he had a liscence to hunt Florida duck.
The man showed him his liscence.
The cop finally took the last duck, shoved his finger up the duck's butt and asked him if he had a liscence to hunt Louisiana duck.
The man showed him the liscence.
The cop calmed down and started to relax. "So, where u from?" the cop asked.
The man bent over. "You tell me," he said!!!

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from Christian Emter wrote 4 years 4 weeks ago

Thre are three guys in a plane that is about to crash. They all decide to take something along so when they crash in the desert they can survive till they get to the next town. So they crash and some how survive. They all meet up with each other and ask each other what the took to survive. The first guy answers I brought water so in case we get thirsty we can drink. The second guy answers I brought a ham to that way if we get hungry we can eat. The third guy said I brought a car door. So that way if we get hot we can just roll down the window.

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from hunt and fish wrote 4 years 3 weeks ago

A guy walks into a bar...

And say ouch.

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from minnow hunter wrote 2 years 47 weeks ago

Why did the ocean roar......You would to if you had crabs on your bottom.

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from ableskeever wrote 2 years 46 weeks ago

What do you name a dog with steel b@lls and no back legs?

Sparky

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from davycrockettfv wrote 2 years 46 weeks ago

Bill and Dan were deer hunting in a remote area of the Rockies. On the third day Bill shot a great buck. As they were field dressing the deer Bill noticed Dan had a look of extreme discomfort. After asking him what was wrong Dan replied, "We've been here three days and I haven't taken a crap the entire time. Every time I go I get scared a bear or mountain lion will eat me and that's not the way I want to die!" After some persuasion, Bill manages to convince Dan he'll be fine if he takes his rifle. So Dan staggers into the bushes to finally relieve himself. A few minutes later, Bill gets a crazy idea. He scoops up the deer intestines, sneaks up behind Dan while he's squatting, and carefully and quietly pushes them underneath Dan's exposed buttocks. Bill then returns to the deer to resume his work. 20 minutes later Dan walks back looking in even more pain than when he left. His face is white, and he looks terrified. Bill, laughing to himself, asks Dan what happened. Dan replied, "I just litterally pooped my guts out. Literally. But with God's help and a long stick, I think I got 'em all back in there."

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from country road wrote 2 years 44 weeks ago

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, lying on the floor?
Matt

What do you call the same guy floating in the ocean"
Bob

Same guy hanging on the wall?
Art

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from MATroutslayer wrote 2 years 43 weeks ago

country road- Same guy lying next to a hole?
Doug
Same guy lying in the hole?
Phil

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from steve182 wrote 2 years 43 weeks ago

...in a pile of leaves?...russel

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from MATroutslayer wrote 2 years 43 weeks ago

HAAAAA!!!! Russell! That's new to me!

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from MATroutslayer wrote 2 years 43 weeks ago

HAAAAA!!!! Russell! That's new to me!

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from iron giant wrote 2 years 40 weeks ago

You know you're in West Virgina, when you call up the front desk of the Motel, and tell them, "I've got a leak in my sink," and you get the response, "Well go ahead."

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from jpneely wrote 2 years 37 weeks ago

rope walks into a bar.
bartender say we don't serve your kind here.
rope leaves, ties him self into a bowline, and frays his ends all up walks back in.
bartender says aren't you that rope that was just here?
rope say...... nope, I'm afraid not.

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from ethan_3 wrote 2 years 37 weeks ago

Morning: 1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings. 2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed. 2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup. 3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods. 3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun. 3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent. 4:30 AM: Head for the woods. 6:05 AM: See eight deer. 6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 AM: CLICK. 6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill. 8:00 AM: Head back to camp. 9:00 AM: Still looking for camp. 10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

Afternoon: Fire gun for help---eat wild berries. 2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back. 2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach. 2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries. 2:45 PM: Rescued. 2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead. 3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp. 3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer. 4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets. 4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

Evening: 5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you. 6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing. 6:01 PM: Load gun. 6:02 PM: Fire gun. 6:03 PM: One dead pickup. 6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer. 6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners. 6:07 PM: Fall into fire. 6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire. 6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp. 6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block. 6:26 PM: Start walking. 6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud. 6:35 PM: Meet bear. 6:36 PM: Take aim. 6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud. 6:38 PM: Mess pants. 6:39 PM: Climb tree. 11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces

got this one in a text

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from J4huntfish wrote 4 years 6 weeks ago

this isn't a outdoor related jokes
1.whats in between an old lady boobs, her belly button
2.how did bill Clinton practice safe sex, he didn't light the cigar

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