Everybody worries about sharks now when they go to the beach. That’s ridiculous. According to the Florida Museum of Natural History, which has zero interest in anything but the unbiased truth, you are more likely to die from fireworks, being hit by a train, or exposure to heat or cold. No, what you really need to fear is a giant boar emerging from the surf and trampling, goring, and generally killing you to death while you, unsuspecting, lie on a towel happily fantasizing about your own personal Corona beer commercial. Which probably doesn’t include a huge wild pig.
Check out this video (see below). It’s windy. There’s a dude on a jet ski goofing around just beyond the breakers. Did he know the boar was there? Was he herding it inland? Hard to say. What is clear is that the people on the beach see the pig before we do, because they’re all filming it on their phones. This, incidentally, is quickly becoming the last thing many people do before the thing they’re filming kills them.
As the boar comes closer to shore, most bystanders decide there are limits to what they’ll do in the name of Facebook fame and retreat. One guy stays and you hear the word, “trouble.” Then, as the boar runs right by the camera, he calls, “Back up! Back up!” The beast appears to be headed for the woods but then changes its mind. At the 30-second point on the video, we see a man falling backwards over the knee-high wind shelter he and his partner have erected. Then we see a woman that the pig has apparently knocked onto her back. Men rush towards the pig. It feints toward another family’s wind shelter. Now there are more men coming. One has a big stick. But nobody really knows what to do. I wouldn’t either. It’s a pretty solid-looking pig.
This is where a fearless guy with a Bowie knife would come in handy. Thing is, a Bowie is hard to carry when you’re wearing a Speedo. The scene appears to be in Mexico, where it’s perfectly legal to wear a Speedo despite your criminal history but hard to get a handgun permit.
Finally, the pig leaves the scene. At least one hopes so, because the video ends.
This disturbing clip implicitly raises the question of how you defend yourself against wild boars from the sea during summer vacation. My recommendation? If you’re headed to the beach this year in known pig country, take a bunch of stout sticks and whittle on them until they have wicked points. Give one to each person in your family. And post a sentry while the rest of you are dozing out. They never show sentries in Corona commercials, but maybe they should.