You poor sap. You’re probably still holding your pants up with old technology—a belt with holes and a buckle. It’s time to upgrade with the $150 Survival Belt 2.0 from Brig. Its buckle contains an entire survival kit: a flashlight capable of lighting up the inside of your ear, a titanium nitride–coated AUS-8 stainless steel blade the size of a guitar pick, a little ferrocerium fire starter rod. Last but never least, there’s the bottle opener.

The reviews are glowing. “DUDE THIS THING IS SWEET!” reads one. “Where have you been all my life?” says another. Then there’s “I would recommend this to anyone lookin for a tactical and practical belt that is unisex and sleek.” Not only is it tactical, if you eat too much you can adjust it without getting up from the table.

The buckle’s metal alloy face provides “weighted balance.” Think of all the times you fallen because your belt buckle wasn’t properly balanced. The belt strap itself is rated to almost 1,500 pounds per square inch tensile strength. It’s waterproof, UV-protected, easy to clean, abrasion resistant, and doesn’t lose its flex in cold weather. In other words, it’s the best leather substitute since leather.

Watch the videos. See the guy tow a boat up on the bank with his belt! Seeing him use it to cinch down an armful of wood and sling it manfully over his shoulder for the 30-yard trek to the fire. Watch the hipster couple on snowshoes in the woods open a can of food in with the knife, then spark a fire by striking the knife’s edge (not the spine) on the fire-starter rod. They turn on the flashlight and damned if it doesn’t work. And then relax with friends and well-opened beers around the fire.

As Maxim says, “Even Batman would envy a badass utility belt like this.” And nobody knows survival like a cartoon character in spandex.