How to Lose (and Find) Your Wedding Ring in a Fast-Moving River
Step 1: When you pick up your ring prior to your wedding and it’s slightly large, don’t say anything. Keep...
Step 1: When you pick up your ring prior to your wedding and it’s slightly large, don’t say anything. Keep quiet and convince yourself that it’ll be okay and you’ll be very careful.
Step 2: Fish with ring on for 7 months without losing it. This builds even more confidence that the band will stay put and there’s no need to resize.
Step 3: Trip in a knee-deep fast riffle on the smallmouth river when you step off the bank and fall forward. Put your hands out to brace yourself. Continue fishing for 40 minutes, then notice your ring is gone.
Step 4: Spend an hour trying to scan the bottom in said riffle in an attempt to spot the ring among pebbles, rocks, and gravel. Give up when you realize the ring could be a half-mile downstream by now. (Crying optional)
Step 5: Become completely distraught. Not only have you lost your wedding ring, but you have to explain to your wife that you’ve lost your wedding ring. (Note: side effects of this step include loss of A-game, severe lack of fishing concentration, and innumerable missed strikes.)
Step 6: Five hours later, just for the hell of it, return to riffle and look again before departure. The sun should be higher by now, maybe the water’s a little cleaner, the silt probably settled. Somehow, some way, spot the glint from your ring that is resting peacefully among the rocks. (Note: This step doesn’t typically work out. If you can’t complete this step, see Step 5.)
Step 7: Kiss your ring (see photo), thank your lucky stars, and have ring resized.
In closing, I’d like to thank Costa sunglasses and their fine polarized lenses, without which I might be in divorce court right now. And for those not yet wed, when you get your ring, I’ve been told you should have to rock it three times over your knuckle to get it off. Anyone else lived through a similar traumatic experience? – JC