We are, on occasion, confronted with a story containing so many competing and equally compelling angles that we simply can’t choose which one to use as a lead. Take this story, for example, in the New Haven (Conn.) Register about a man who just wanted to teach his sons a simple lesson, and failed in spectacular fashion.
A Berlin, Connecticut, man has been arrested for allegedly gutting a deer in a parking lot near Wesleyan University. Lawrence Massey, 37, was arrested after local residents saw him use a hunting knife to “field strip” a deer, police said. He allegedly wanted to show his sons how it was done, the police report states.
Police were called Monday at 3:21 p.m. to the back lot of the 594 Main St. apartments, near the Green Street Arts Center, where several mothers and their young children were walking around. The report says the arriving officer was “overcome by a very strong smell emanating from the carcass” upon leaving his patrol car.
Massey allegedly told officers he found the carcass on the side of southbound Route 9, loaded it into his minivan and brought it home to show his sons the classic hunting technique: “how to field strip a deer after it had been killed.” (While the police report refers to “field stripping,” hunters say the proper term is “field dressing.”) Police said they found Massey holding a folding knife in his right hand with both arms covered in blood beyond his elbows. Massey had put down plastic tarps in the parking lot, slit the deer from “anus to lower throat” and placed the “guts of the deer, the intestines, liver, stomach, bladder, etc.,” on the ground beside the carcass, police said.
Seriously, where do you start with this one? Do you lead off with a joke about the culinary joys of roadkill? Do you point out the fact that perhaps the middle of the parking lot right next to a university, with pedestrians walking by, isn’t exactly the most discrete location to butcher a deer? Or should you riff on what, exactly, is the best way to “field strip” your deer?
Help me out here, which angle would you choose? And while we’re on the subject, what IS the best way to field strip your deer? Can you do it in 30 seconds or less, blindfolded? But I guess the bigger question might be, can you put your deer back together after you field strip it?