Cermele: Captain Quint Vs. Hollywood Hottie

I have said before and I will say again that "Jaws" is the greatest fishing movie of all time. Luckily, no director incapable of an original thought has decided to remake "Jaws," which would ruin it if you ask me. But it seems the film might have some competition on the horizon. And what genius has crafted a script that will go head to head with the original masterpiece? None other than vixen Heidi Montag of MTV's "The Hills."

A quick note for those unfamiliar with "The Hills." It is a "reality show" (in quotes because most is staged and scripted) about over-privileged, super-rich, whiny, post-college age California kids. I have seen exactly one episode and vomited immediately thereafter. This show will literally make you dumber. If you don't believe me, do some simple math problems, watch "The Hills," then try them again.

Anyway, "The Hills" was recently cancelled (sigh of relief). This means Montag can do nothing all day without someone filming her doing nothing all day, which would be boring. So she's decided to take up big-screen acting and script writing. Here's a quote from the website of People magazine:

_One of the characters Montag wants to play is "a lifeguard named Summer" in a script she wrote herself.

"I am making the first 3-D beach comedy about a shark that attacks a small beach town and I save the day with my 3-D boobs," Montag says. "I've even written a role for Dolly Parton to play the town mayor!"_

Keep sitting by that phone, Heidi. Spielberg will be calling any day now. But let's pretend you did have to hunt down a man-eating shark. Would you jump onboard with Montag and her "barrels" or head out with Captain Quint and his barrels, which are conveniently tied to the business end of a harpoon gun? -- JC