Those of you who have filled out a Form 4473 since July 9th may have noticed a change in our beloved paper bulwark against crime and poor behavior. In addition to the checkoff box that asks your race, there is a new one that asks your “ethnicity;” specifically, are you Hispanic or Latino? This new box raises some interesting questions.

What’s the difference between Hispanic and Latino?

Why is the ATF interested?

If you are Hispanic or Latino, what then? Do ATF agents in full body armor and facemasks pay you a visit at 3 a.m.?

Some among you may consider this just more pointless nonsense from an agency that, on occasion, acts pretty oddly (See: Waco, massacre at, Fast and Furious, Kenyon Ballew shooting). I, however, view the new box as a first step in the evolution of the outdated, irrelevant Form 4473 into a Document for Our Time and, as a patriotic American, I would like to offer some new questions that are of real use.

1. Are you lonely, troll-like and odd? Yes No

2. Do you spend endless hours on the computer unsuccessfully looking for dates? Yes No

3. Is the fact that your life is a s**t sandwich everyone else’s fault? Yes No

3A: If you checked Yes to Question 3, do you believe that everyone else has to pay for it? Yes No

4. Do you want to be the center of attention just once in your miserable life, at any cost? Yes No

4A: If you checked Yes to Question 4, do you believe the way to go about this is by killing a lot of people? Yes No

4B: If you checked Yes to Question 4A, did you get the idea from watching television? Yes No

5: Does it give you cold shivers when a TV news bunny shoves a mike in someone’s face and asks them for their innermost feelings on seeing their loved ones killed? Yes No

See how much more relevant this is than “Are you an alien who is here illegally?” A third of the population of the U.S. is here illegally, so who cares? I think it’s time for ATF to take a break from supplying AKs to serious criminals and completely rewrite Form 4473. Maybe they can get into religions that are considered dangerous as well as ethnic groups. For example,

“Do you face Mecca several times a day to pray?”

Who knows how much useful information can be collected on a 4473?

We may find out.