Grow a Live, Custom-Colored Stingray and Turn It Into Sneakers

Have your old Reebok Pumps finally deflated? Did the soles of your British Knight high-tops finally wear out? Then you, my friend, may want to consider a pair of dope kicks from Rayfish Footwear. But you won't find them over at the Payless. No, these sneakers have to be grown in a fish tank.

In an utterly bizarre mix of fish farming, mad science, and weird fashion, Rayfish has figured out how to genetically alter stingrays grown in their tanks with a process called "bio-customization." You go online, design your stingray in a seemingly endless array of colors and patterns, they grow your fish, then turn it into sneakers. What I'm saying here is that the pattern you see on the shoe above was not painted on dull gray ray leather. When the ray that made those sneaks was alive and swimming, that's what it looked like. I'm not making this up. Here's what it says on their website:

At the Rayfish Footwear labs, nature has already done the design work for us. All we have to do is identify the genes responsible for color and pattern, and implant the synthetic 'supergene' cluster into fetal rays before they are born. As the ray grows and matures, it expresses the predetermined patterns on its skin.

Now, call me crazy, but shouldn't we be applying this incredible technology to, umm, curing cancer or something instead of making truly hideous sneakers? The whole thing creeps me out, but I will not judge you if these are the coolest sneakers you've ever seen and must have a pair. If you're planning to get them as stocking stuffers for the whole fam, call now because the rays need time to grow. Oh, and a single pair of Rayfish shoes will cost you $15,000 (you read that right). Act now!