Let’s face it, funerals are a downer. All that black clothing, somber reflection and sniffles. Keep them, I say. I’ve always wanted to leave this mortal coil in true heathen fashion on top of a huge flaming pyre, slowly turning to ash as my friends and family celebrated around the fire.
There’s simply no sense in pumping my dead body full of chemicals to make me look alive again when I’m so obviously not, and then dropping eight grand on a walnut casket that would have been much better utilized as gunstocks. It’s madness, I say.
But then I saw this and I started thinking.
From the story:
(CNN) — Carole Dunham, 69, loved the ocean. Last July, she was diagnosed with cancer and had only a few months to live. Dunham knew her last footprint had to be a green one, and she started looking into eco-friendly alternatives to traditional burial. The concept of “going green” has taken new life in the death care industry as eco-minded companies tap into the needs of those like Dunham. Dunham, an avid scuba diver, chose an eco-friendly company that would combine her cremated remains to form an artificial memorial reef.
What a brilliant concept for outdoorsmen! Would you rather spend eternity rotting with a bunch of stiffs or go out with some practicality and panache?
Here’s my plan: Half my ashes will be mixed with plastic and injection-molded into classic bass plugs. I can think of no better fate than happily bumping along in my sons’ tackle bags. My remaining ashes will be mixed with either lead or tungsten polymer, formed into shot and loaded into a limited run of “Essence of Chad” shotgun shells. I will then be blasted from the barrels of my favorite shotguns during the upland and waterfowl seasons.
Now that’s a funeral I can get into.