Chad Love: Why Celebrities Need Real Dogs

Far be it from me to make light of someone else's tragedy, but what's up with all celebrity dogs being eaten by coyotes?

First it was Ozzy Osbourne watching his Pomeranian "Little Bit" become a little bit of a snack for a bold LA coyote, then two of Paris Hilton's purse rats may or may not have been consumed.

And now Jessica Simpson, who's famous for ... something, I think, has announced that her "maltipoo" puppy was snatched by a coyote.

From the story:
Jessica Simpson recently witnessed her maltipoo Daisy attacked by a wild coyote. On her Twitter, Simpson writes:"My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR!" But here's the thing: Jessica thinks that perhaps the tiny dog escaped and is asking anyone with information to email her at findingmissdaisy@gmail.com. She is offering a reward to anyone who helps find the pup.

As evidenced by the picture posted here, Jessica is fairly avid fur-wearer. Perhaps this experience will help her make the connection between the animals we love and the animals we wear. They each experience pain the same way. We know how hard it is to lose a pet and send our deepest condolences to Jess.

First, can someone please tell me what the hell a "maltipoo" is? Is it a breed of dog or a painful colon condition?

Second, if it is a dog rather than a fluffy Norway rat, then it's probably small enough to fit in a designer handbag, because we all know the dogs of celebrities are as much fashion accessory as pet. And as such, there's no way in hell that "perhaps the tiny dog escaped". It's nice to hope, I guess, but the only way that dog will be recovered is via pooper-scooper and plastic bag.

So I have two bits of advise here, one for California celebrities, the other for coyote hunters.

Celebrities: instead of buying "dogs" that even a fair-sized bull snake could swallow, perhaps you need something a bit more, you know, dog-like. Maybe something like this (via Steve Bodio's blog)

Now that's a dog.

And to all the coyote hunters out there who run curs and catahoulas, I suggest you go find yourself a maltipoo, whatever it is...