Chad Love: The End-of-the-World Survival Kit

Like most of you, I get a seemingly endless supply of mail-order catalogs in the mail, despite the fact that … Continued

Like most of you, I get a seemingly endless supply of mail-order catalogs in the mail, despite the fact that when I actually go to buy something it’s generally either local shops or Cabela’s for me. Such was the case a few days ago when I opened the mailbox and discovered a catalog from the folks at Cheaper Than Dirt.

As I browsing through their catalog I stumbled across this

From the product description:

When an emergency hits, we don’t always have enough warning to prepare for it. The movie 2012 released on November 13, describes what could potentially happen on 12/21/2012 based on the end of the Ancient Mayan calendar. _Throughout history, the Mayan calendar correctly identified evolutionary events. According to the calendar we are now in the Fourth and Final age. Whether you believe or not, it still makes you think, what if all the electronics suddenly stopped working, an asteroid struck the earth, sunspots erase magnetic stored data, a flu pandemic effected millions, would you be able to survive with what you currently have. Fortunately you have time to prepare and we have taken the guess work out of it for you.

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_The reality of 2012 seems far fetched, but are you prepared for hurricanes, earth quakes, extended power outages, a wide spread pandemic, or turmoil from the Middle East? The primary requirements are food, fuel, water, and shelter; our kits contain basic survival items. FEMA, Homeland Security, and other Emergency Response Teams look to us to fulfill their needs during emergencies. We are experts at supplying the gear you need to survive. Perfect for at home or the office, there is enough basic survival gear for a family of four for 30 days, these are good to have on hand for natural disasters or the 2012 phenomenon.
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Now I’m sure Cheaper Than Dirt is a fine company that sells lots of neat and useful stuff, but management better keep close eyes on their catalog copywriters before some Hollywood director steals them away to write the screenplay for the next big blockbuster disaster movie, maybe the sequel to this one.

Seriously, 2012 survival kits? If it’s truly the end of the world, then how the hell are you supposed to survive it? This conundrum poses two questions: First: does collective stupidity actually have a bottom limit or is it some kind of great cosmic suckhole from which reason and common sense simply cannot escape? Second: what’s in your 2012 survival kit?

Here’s mine: a recliner, a six-pack of Mackeson Triple Stout and REM’s Document album. If the world truly does end on December 21, 2012, I’m going out drunk, comfortable and happy.