Chad Love: The REAL "America's Meat"

Recently on this website there's been a great deal of attention devoted to the flesh of murdered deer. Editors have even gone so far as to dub venison "America's Meat."

Not being privy to the brain trust that is this magazine's masthead, I had zero input on this decision, but if I had, rest assured venison wouldn't be "America's Meat." Why? Because I've seen the future of carnivorous dining, and it isn't Bambi. In fact, it isn't anything derived from the formerly living. Finally, after years of research and testing, the dream, the hope has become reality. Shmeat, my friends, is here...

Put away your guns, your bows and other such archaic implements of speciest butchery. Our eons-long war on this planet's protein-based sentient beings is over. The era of the victimless barbecue is nigh upon us. Praise be to technology! Who needs backstrap and all the cruelty it represents, when you could be gnoshing on this?