Chad Love: How to Harass a Pesky Tom

chadturkey

OK, here's the question: You're sitting at your desk working when suddenly your concentration is jarred by a loud "bang" coming from the sliding patio door behind you. You jump, look around and find yourself face-to-face with a large (because he eats well at your birdfeeder), horny (because it's spring), frustrated (because the hens are completely ignoring him) and angry (because he just saw his reflection in the door's glass) tom pecking repeatedly at your back door. Turkey season is still 12 days away.

Do you:

A. Ignore him and go back to work?

B. Grab a slate call and see how worked up you can get him?

C. Bang on the back door and scare away that yard-destroying, walking crap factory?

D. Toss your wife's worthless, de-clawed cat out the back door and see what happens?

E. Have one of those really stupid "hold-my-beer-and-watch-this" moments where you sneak up to the back door until you're literally inches away from him, and with one hand slowly open the door while the other hand prepares to grab?

And if you do choose "E", might it be wise to take one last look at those spurs and ask yourself if catch-and-release turkey hunting is such a good idea after all? I'm looking for suggestions in case he shows up again today.