Petzal: The Gun Nut Voters' Guide

_"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."--Woody Allen
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Election day is nearly upon us and as someone to whom America looks for guidance, I feel obliged to give you my thoughts on what to do come November 2.

*First, you can't not vote. Too many people have paid too high a price for you to shrug off that privilege and duty.

*Second, you can relax. No matter what the outcome of the election, very little is going to change. The game is rigged; the deck is stacked; the fix is in. We're cooked. We've made too many bad choices, elected too many losers, and stood idly by as our political system turned into a compost heap.

*Third, supposedly qualified people have failed utterly to cure what ails us, so let us elect the wildly unqualified, the weird, the grotesque, and the outlandish. They will hasten our end, and they'll be amusing while they're doing it. No one who has an ounce of self-respect is going to run for high political office in the United States of America in the year 2010.

*Fourth, if you must vote on an issue, gun control is the one. Pick someone who is on our side and is not merely paying lip service. When your police department is disbanded for budgetary reasons you'll need your guns.

Thank you, and will the last one out please turn off the lights?